delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
i had it so ingrained in me - so subtely entrenched in my heart and thoughts - that this meant - if i would make God the center of my life -
then everything that i longed for, everything i desired, everything that i had carried in my heart for so long, for years even - would be added
to me - and that every desire - so far - unfulfilled - would manifest in my life and would prove - my decision - to follow God - to be a good one.
i couldn't have been more wrong. though many preachers had preached this doctrine to be true - (a doctrine i swallowed up with relish, with absolute delight) - i loved this doctrine - i purposefully sought out messages that would only talk about all the wonderful things God wanted me to have and all the wonderful things/desires He was going to give me. if at any time - a niggle or Holy Spirit nudge entered my spirit - to warn me that this might not be exactly what God meant - i would cry it down - throw the bible across the room - or just swallow it down like harsh medicine that i suspected had been given me, to cure me - but i was unwilling to take. i didn't want to give up the desires of my heart. i didn't want to give up the things my heart was passionate for. i didn't want to give up any meaningful desires - and i didn't have to - if i delight myself in the Lord - He will GIVE me the desires of my heart.
to be honest - it wasn't that i didn't receive the desires of my heart - because in reality - i did - sort of. the only problem was - my desires kept changing. my hearts desires wouldn't stop moving. in all sorts of directions too. relationships - things - big things - little things - necessities -
luxuries - and so on and so on - fame - obscurity - beauty - wealth - health - love. to a degree - i got to taste all of these desires - in varying measure - i grant you - not all totally huge - but fulfilled desires to some degree - all the same. and yet - there was always something missing - always something falling short in each desire fulfilled - there always remained - a gnawing ache deep in the center of me - that something was always amiss. i wasn't satisfied. i wasn't at peace. and it took years - many years - for God to work in me - what He actually meant - when He said -
delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart
two years ago - as i was sitting at my computer writing away at my blog - a blog that i had started after suffering many weeks in deep despair over deep loneliness and self loathing, thinking of all the things that i had done in my life that seemed so important, so needfully important, but i had realised now, were so ugly, so grotesque, that just the thought of them was crippling my belief that there was any hope or worth in my life. and then, a tiny, miniscule thought flashed across my mind - then disappeared. it was like a tiny jolt of life giving electricity, ran through my body, for the slightest, briefest moment. i realised - that for that one fleeting nanosecond - something shifted in my spirit. it was so slight - that if it hadn't have been for my deepest dark moment - i wouldn't have even noticed it. but because of that minutest jump in my spirit - i stopped typing. what was that? what had i heard? what had i thought? what was that change? what was that split nanosecond of hope that i felt flit across my spirit?
and this was it -
DELIGHT yourself in the Lord
as that sunk in - as those words began to infuse themselves into my heart soul and mind - DELIGHT, yourself in the Lord - they slowly began to come alive - delight 'yourself' in the LORD - be delighted in the Lord - find your delight in the Lord - where is your delight to be found? in the Lord - there is no other delight, but the Lord - all other delights are not from the Lord - are you delighting in the Lord? - do you not delight yourself in the Lord - why are you downcast? delight yourself in the Lord - you are downcast for you do not delight in the Lord, you delight in temporal - be not downcast, delight yourself in the Lord - be not downcast, be delighted that you ARE IN the Lord - and that was it.
i had been fooled - i had failed to recognise that nothing in my heart had changed at all - it was still full of all my desires - my lusts. i hadn't spent anytime - not truthfully - seeking God Himself - and to that end. i had spent my time searching the scriptures looking for promises made by God - to me - detailing how i could receive His gifts. His gifts - not Him. not God personally. my heart was still full of all the things i believed would satisfy me - things that would bring me pleasure - things i could be proud of - things that would make my life worthwhile - things that would give me honour - things that would make others look up to me - things that would make others want to be with me - things that would say to others ' the Lord is pleased with her' - things, like feelings of worth - things, like youthful exuberance - things, like age resistance - things - things - things. and the more things - i got - the more i believed the Lord loved me - no things - no love. no things - no worth. i did not delight myself in the Lord.
and the most amazingly insane thing about it all - i think somewhere inside me - i knew it - and had known it for some time. it was as if i still believed that i could make a secret pact with God - i will chase this one desire Lord - and then i am all yours. i will settle this lust first Lord - and then You shall have center stage. how could i settle - to be delighted - in just the Lord? that doesn't make sense - to be delighted in the Lord - would mean giving up - letting go - surrendering - all my desires - all my lusts - all my emotions even - because my emotions told me - what i desired - didn't they? and wasn't that where God Himself lived? hadn't God used my emotions to guide me and lead me? history check - no. that was my heart - God had never used my emotions to reveal any truth. so my emotions were wrong. so my desires were wrong. so my heart was wrong.
and there it was. it had come full circle. my heart was wrong - as He had said - the heart of man is deceitful above all things. the heart of man is deceitful - my heart was/is deceitful - deliberately misleading. isn't that amazing. my heart - in fact the heart of all man - is deliberately misleading. and for all of my life - as long as i could remember anyway - it has been said - follow your heart. it is almost impossible to comprehend the entirety of what that means - except for this one piece of scripture - which spells it out - in black and white - the heart - my heart - is DELIBERATELY misleading. how many times in my life have i been deliberately misleading? many. thousands. millions. and here was the reason why - my heart had DELIBERATELY misled me - and on top of that - He says - it is desperately wicked. can you possibly comprehend what that means. my own heart - my own personal life compass - has deliberately, desperately, wickedly manipulated every emotion to lead me - guide me - lure me - away from God. not only had my heart been misleading me but it was deceitful - above all things.
above all things. my heart is deceitful above all things. so then - if my heart is deceitful - above all things - then my heart is deceitful - deliberately misleading - about God's word - about what God's word truelly means. and yes - though my mind is involved - my heart will 'overwhelm' me with emotion - to the point where - my mind will stop - and i listen to my heart - and i am misled. and i think back to all the times i believed my heart and followed it - to nowhere. see, my heart has desires which exalt themselves above anything God says, which cause it to hurt - or cause me to 'emotionally' hurt - and once i am emotionally hurting - my mind disengages - and i pull out - and i search for something - spiritually or not - which will 'please' my heart - and i go with that. my heart has no desire to have anything to do with God. not the God of the bible - not Jesus Christ - any other god will do - just not those two - (or three, as the case may be) - and why not? for the very same reason that God said - the heart of man is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked - and if i allow God to get hold of it - He will wring it out - He will reveal the Truth - and the Truth is the very thing my heart is not. my heart is MISLEADING. JESUS CHRIST is TRUTHLEADING. my heart - leads me astray - away from truth - deliberately. away from - delight yourself in the Lord - to - He will give you the desires of your heart.
so, with my heart disengaged - my spiritual eyes open and aware - i read this scripture anew :
DELIGHT in the LORD. (for there is nothing other, nothing that CAN and WILL cause you to be delighted no matter what your circumstances, no matter where you are, no matter what you are going through, no matter what you believe, no matter what you feel)
HE will take all the deceitful desires from your heart. (all the deliberate wickedness that lies inside it)
HE will GIVE you HIS desires. (desires that are true, praiseworthy, glorifying to Him, pure, lovely, admirable, noble, right)
amen
