the simple life

When did we all get so busy trying to be magnificent?

I don't remember ever being as mentally bombarded with my own uselessness as I am now.  And it is now that I can do so much more than I was ever able to.

I can cook.  I can write.  I can add and subtract.  I can love.  I can type.  I can read.  I can start a mower and mow the lawns.  I can drive.  I can clean myself.  I can take myself to the toilet.  I can dress myself.  I can use a computer.  I can upload and download.  I can grow tomatoes.  I know how to slice them, dice them, cook them and add things to them that will make them taste better.  I can see - under things, over things, around things, through things and at things.  I can walk a dog.  I can feed a cat.  I can open windows because I'm hot and I can close windows because I'm cold.  I can hear - music, chatter, laughter, sorrow, hatred and joy.  I can feel - pain, peace, happiness, sadness, empathy, sympathy, superiority, inferiority, shame, guilt, pride, good and bad.  I can spell.  I can look up words I've never seen before, find out what they mean and use them in sentences.  I can make sentences.  I can make conversation.  I can be interested in other people and what they have to say and I can disregard them as rubbish.  I can hide my feelings and put on a brave face.  I can search out the things I fear and find out if my fear is reasonable or not.  I can wash my clothes, hang them out to dry, bring them in, fold them and put them away.  I can look at the clothes I have and decide what I'm going to wear that will tell others who I am and what mood I'm in.  Or I can just stay in my pyjamas.  I can tell the difference between blue and yellow and I know that yellow doesn't suit me.  I can put out the rubbish.  I can work.  I can make money and I can spend it.  I can go to bed when I want to and stay there for as long as I want to.  I can stay up all night, watch whatever I want to watch and at whatever volume I want to listen to.  I can go on and on or I can pause and wait.  

So, why is it that I am continually bombarded with thoughts of my uselessness more now than I ever was as a child, when I all I could do back then, was pretty much, um nothing much.

This is what I know. So far.

• I wasn't made to be magnificent.  I know.  Sounds pretty bad.  Sounds pretty defeatist.  (Oh my, that's a word?) Anyhoo, I know, I wasn't.
• I am not that ONE in the One in a million.  It's not me.
• I am not the most beautiful person in the world.  Never have been.  Never will be.
• It's not true that you can be whatever you want to be when you grow up or even when you don't grow up.  It's simply not true.  And the sooner everyone discovers that this is absolutely not true, the happier they will be with themselves.
• There are a lot of very wise, wise people - in the past.  Yes, in the past.  Most of what needs to be said, has been said.  All everyone is doing now is rewording what has already been said and claiming it as their own wisdom - not so - been said before - and probably with more truth.
• Stupidity does not mean failure.  Which in turn also means - intelligence does not mean success.
• Ignorance IS bliss.  But the only ones who see it are the not so ignorant.  (Irony)
• Money isn't everything.
• Poverty isn't nothing.
• Snap out of it - is good advice.
• Get over it - is too.
• And after those too - the real gem of advice is - GET ON WITH IT!

  

  

Free

I have been saddened, surprisingly, by being unfriended on facebook.

And that's a joke.  Me, being saddened by that, is a joke.  It's laughable, but sad.

I am saddened that I, yes even I, have been so deceived into believing that a simple network programme had no hold on me, that I didn't even realise it's hold on me.  It held me to believe that I was of importance.  It's insane.  People are blocking and unfriending people every moment of every day with the express purpose of hurting others and rescuing themselves and people every where are buying into it's importance.  And it simply isn't true.

When on the face of things I realised that the people who unfriended me hadn't even visited me, nor called to see how I was, for goodness knows how long, it was clear that I had been duped into a false sense of community.  I also realised that I had been shackled.  Yes, shackled.  And God knew this.  God knew that as much as I loved Him and desired to praise Him publicly, I was in chains to those who claimed to love me. I did not want to offend them by claiming the Word of God and in return have them unfriend me.  And I didn't even know it.  It is a joke.  A cruel, insane joke.

Facebook asks you to elevate yourself.  What are you thinking?  What are you doing?  Who are you friends with? What are you wearing?  Who are you out with?  How good are you looking?  How creative are you?  How popular are you?  How sexy are you?  How clever are you?  How wonderful are the things you are liking?  Why isn't anyone 'liking' your posts?  Why isn't anyone commenting on your posts?  Why isn't anyone noticing you?  Why aren't the people online chatting with you?  On and on the insanity goes.  And I, yes even I, was totally oblivious to this insanity, until today, when I realised how wonderful God is and how much He loves me, enough to have people unfriend me and in turn release me from their shackles, and I am free.  Now that is Love.

Nahum 1:13 'Now I will break their yoke from your neck and tear your shackles away'

By Him, For Him

1. Psalm 139:16 Seeing that thou didst know me before I was composed of either flesh or bone, much more now must thou know me when thou hast fashioned me.

Of course, this gets me to thinking.

In the midst of my trials, in the midst of my anxious thoughts at this time, in the midst of these long moments of trembling, I am drawn to consider that even this, even this day, this moment, this trial, was known to God, created by God, for God.

And while I sit here, saddened by the struggle of possibly being rejected by people I dearly love, the importance of it is lessened by the knowledge that God has known of this moment for all of my life.

This moment, is a moment, when I can contemplate, that my Father in Heaven, purposed this moment for Himself.  That this moment, though not foreign in it's ingredients, is a moment which God purposed, to draw me to Himself.  A moment, repeated throughout my life.  A moment of familiar rejection.  A moment, when in the past I have considered, why me, why am I so unlovable - now, brings me to contemplate how wonderful My God is.

My mother, my father, my brothers - all purposely created by Him, for Him - for His purposes.  The place of my birth, the hour of my birth, the people of my family - all created by Him, for Him.  My abusers, my enemies, my accusers, everything that has failed to satisfy me - created by Him, for Him.  My husband, my children - created by Him, for Him.  What the devil meant for harm, God used, to call me to Him. 

When people have rejected me, I have so longed for reconciliation, that my emptiness would be satisfied, but God knew that it would never be satisfied.  God knew, purposed it, that I would never be satisfied, outside of Him.  He purposed this moment, for Him.

Oh the times that I have raced off to find contentment, to avoid this painful moment, to avoid the thoughts of worthlessness, nothingness.  How I have argued for my position, my right and my innocence.  How I have pleaded with God to change my circumstances, to avenge my enemies, to lift me up and rescue me from my pain and yet I have run from Him.  And He has always drawn me back.  He has drawn me back to Him again by the rejection and hurt of others upon me.  The very thing I have tried to rescue myself from - is the very thing He has used to woo me back.

Oh how I understand His love for me.  Oh how foolishly I have thought I know Him.  How often I have searched His Word for my benefit - never noticing how much I am rejecting Him - by seeking to rescue myself, with His Word, and not Him.  

There are so many times that I have tried to run and escape from the cloud that surrounds me, never seeing that God is in the cloud.  

Exodus 40:36-38

1599 Geneva Bible (GNV)

36 Now when the cloud ascended up from the Tabernacle, the children of Israel went forward in all their journeys.

37 But if the cloud ascended not, then they journeyed not till the day that it ascended.

38 For [a]the cloud of the Lord was upon the Tabernacle by day, and fire was in it by night in the sight of all the house of Israel, throughout all their journeys.

His Presence...

Oh how amazing He is.

I woke up this morning so completely sure that I wasn't going to go to church.  I just had no good reason to go.  And as I sat outside, drinking my coffee and having a cigarette, terrible thoughts of loneliness and broken heartedness, and worthlessness, and rejection, and foolishness, and purposelessness started swarming around my mind.  I felt awful.  But I knew that these thoughts had nothing to do with not going to church.  Not really.

I knew that my going to church this morning would be for one reason - to alleviate these feelings.  And that just wasn't a good enough reason to go into the house of the Lord.  Not for me anyway.  My heart had a secret desire to go into the assembly of God - not to worship Him - but to worship itself, myself.  And that's the truth and I knew it.  I rolled my thoughts forward - to the leaving church and coming home - and I could see that what I was trying to do was run and hide from my broken heart, from my isolation and fill the void with people - not with God.

I realised I had to pray.  I had to ask God to fill this space.  To come into this broken heart and fill it entirely. I had to expose my pain - to open the valve that I fear could not be shut off - to open it up before God - and ask Him to heal me.  And as much as I doubted that He could heal me - I knew that nothing else could - no people - no church - no husband - no lover - no clothes - no house - no car - no phone call - no amount of money - could heal me from my pain.

So I prayed. http://thelordsservantdiary.blogspot.co.nz/2013/10/my-prayer.html

And then I opened one of the many sermons I've downloaded and began to listen.

And the sermon was Lauren Chandler talking on Steadfast Love.  And at the very beginning, the very first sound I heard - was Lauren Chandler crying.  And I knew why she was crying.  Her heart was broken.

A few years ago, Lauren's husband, Matt Chandler, was diagnosed with a form of brain cancer and has undergone surgery and a number of medical interventions to try and halt or even eradicate his cancer, and save his life.  (Matt Chandler is leading Pastor for The Village Church and they are wonderful.  If you go to The Village Church you will find amazing sermons that you can download for free and lots of amazing encouragement in your walk as a Christian).

So, I could hear Lauren crying and I just couldn't stand it.  I just couldn't stand the thought of sitting here listening to her, not because I didn't empathise with her pain, but because in my selfish heart was the knowing that Matt Chandler, her husband, is still with her and mine wasn't.

And I realised I wasn't done praying.  The broken heartedness inside of me was deep.  It was responsible for my bitterness, for my failing empathy, for my stubbornness and for my rebellion against God.  And that is not easy for me to swallow.  But it's true. And all I could pray, was - God, heal me.

And when I was done praying, I realised I would have to face whatever it was that I needed to face and take courage and listen to Lauren talk on Steadfast Love.  And there it was!

He had answered my prayer.  I had a sermon on His Steadfast Love.

His STEADFAST Love.
stead·fast also sted·fast (st d f st , -f st). adj. 1. Fixed or unchanging; steady. 2. Firmly loyal or constant; unswerving. 

His Love is Steadfast - fixed, unchanging, steady, firmly loyal, constant, unswerving.  And my broken heartedness could not separate me from Him.

He is present.

My Prayer...

Lord
Please fill our broken hearts with You
So that we will not feel ashamed any longer.
Please fill the empty space inside us
So that we will not long for that which You would call an idol
Please Lord, reach out and touch the unlovable, the unloved, the rejected
Please Lord of all Heaven and Earth, cause Your Spirit to pour out on the broken hearted
Lord, our lives are broken and our spirits are crushed, and we hope in You
But please Lord, hurry
Please Lord, go where the broken lay and heal them
Please Lord, go there, into those lonely rooms, into those crowded spaces and pour out Your Love into those empty hearts.
Please Lord, reveal Who You Are
Please Lord, we wander in desert wastelands, finding nowhere to settle
We are hungry and thirsty and our lives are ebbing away
Please deliver us from our distress and lead us to You, our settling place
Lord, many have rebelled and rejected Your Love
But Lord, I pray, forgive them, have mercy Lord for Your Names Sake
And woo them unto Yourself
Bring them out of darkness and save them from their chains
Cause them to cry out to You Lord, in their times of trouble
Send forth Your Word and Heal them
Lift the needy out of their affliction
Let us heed You
And consider Your Great Love
That Your Glorious Name
Be Praised.

Amen

Blessed...

It always amazes me - how suddenly I notice I am blessed.

I don't mean it to happen.  I'm not looking around to see if I am blessed or not.  Just quite suddenly - out of the blue - there comes a sweet jolt in me - and I almost cry - because I can't quite grasp the amazing beauty of being blessed.

When nothing 'new' has happened.  Nothing miraculous has occurred.  Nothing else has happened upon my day.  No call has come.  No whispers of love.  No promise awaits.  But all that is promised me is here.

And that's what can drive me to tears.

How can that be?

And all I can think - He is good.

And I realise - I am glad that I am His.

Unanswered Prayer

 I have been thinking about God and prayer and how much He answers prayer.  Any prayer.  All prayers.  Every prayer.  He answers.  

But so many times I am so unsure.  And it seems that prayers have gone unanswered.  Not only my prayers, but prayers of others, prayers for myself, prayers for others, or just prayers that I've prayed because it's the thing that Christians are supposed to do.  Not only because it's part of being a Christian, but because you are a Christian, because you have heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ and accepted it, by faith, as true, because you have in some intimate way, experienced the power and knowledge of God in a deep and profound way, so much so, that there is definitely no other explanation - but the ultimate presence of Almighty God (of the bible), that you pray.  That you lift your voice and you pray and ask God to remedy the situation or circumstance that is before you.

And nothing.

What I mean by nothing - is nothing.

And all Christians experience this.  All Christians, the world over, experience the silence that has followed deep earnest prayer.  But you don't think about that! Not while 'YOU' are the one sitting in terrible circumstances, or sitting there waiting for God's salvation to come to your loved ones, or sitting there waiting for God to avenge your enemies or the enemies of your loved ones.  And the silence is almost threatening.  And always, ALWAYS - EVERY TIME - you forget any time, any other time, that God has answered your prayer.

And the most amazing thing is - that during those times of silence - of 'unanswered' prayer - I never once think it's because God isn't real.  If any doubt enters my mind - it is always - the doubt that God loves me.  The doubt that my circumstances are of no concern to an Almighty God.  The doubt that I, have in some way, sinned against Holy God and that He no longer cares for me.  The doubt that I am even 'saved' - acceptable - to Holy God.  And I attempt to 'ingratiate' myself back into God's good books.

Isn't that amazing.  It's amazing because what I totally forget to remember - is that my acceptance by God has absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever, or for that matter, any good I have ever done or will ever do.  My acceptance by Almighty God is through my faith, my acceptance, that Jesus Christ died on the Cross to atone for my sins and that when God accepts me, He accepts me through Jesus Christ.  And that's it!

So I have unanswered prayer in front of me and I have God who accepts me because of Jesus Christ. So - what's going wrong?

And that's when it dawns on me.

Like most things in this life - I have come to believe that you only get what you deserve.  And that for everything - there is a formula - a one, two, three step formula to get answered prayer.  And that just isn't true!

God does not work like that.  Not that I claim to know exactly how He does work - I totally do know that He does not work like that.  He is God.  He is I Am.  The Pharisees work like that.  But God does not.

So, unanswered prayer?  What does that mean?  Well, I've been told a few things - One, He answers prayer and says Yes.  Two, He answers prayer and says No.  Three, He answers prayer in silence and says Wait.  Or Four, He answers prayer but you can't accept His answer.

And that all sounds reasonable.

But, what I've come to see in the bible is this.  God answers all prayer.  Every prayer.  Every call to God is answered.  And the thing I see in the bible - what I fail to see in front of me - is that His answer to prayer is Him.  He is the answer.

He is the answer to all our prayers.

I've just been caught up in the question!

one bike

I've just been sitting outside on this beautiful sunny peaceful day.  It's just an awesome feeling just sitting there listening, looking at a front lawn, that needs mowing again, imagining family lolling about, a tent here, a tent there.  Hearing children giggling and laughing as they walk up the road, and finally into view, with towels hung over their arms.  And there is just this inner delight at watching them.  So unbothered by all the material desires that await them.  So unbothered by what they are wearing, unbothered by their straggly damp hair, unbothered that only one has a bike to ride on and that the rest of them have to walk.  Just so unbothered.  Just simply receiving.  And going with it.  Receiving the joy of a lake to swim in, on this warm spring day.  Receiving the simple task of walking down the road to the water.  And I remember days like that.  Days lying underneath a grapevine and just eating grapes.  Climbing plum trees, and gorging myself on plums.  Playing hide and seek.  And I am so glad to see days like this still exist.  That there are children who have little enough, that they will just receive the goodness of a nice spring day, a beautiful lake, a few friends, a couple of towels, and one bike.  

And I don't know, but I think that's what it's really all about, sometimes.  That crazy manic desire to get back to those days.  That crazy manic drive that continually gnaws away out us, that we need more, we need more, we need more, or we're never going to make it back there.  We're never going to make it back if we don't hurry up and get enough stuff.

And the whole while, we are run ragged, we are stressed and chaotic.  We are screaming at our children to hurry up.  We are screaming at each other to move out of the way.  We are yelling at others to catch up.  We are crying folks down, we are splitting hairs, we are frantically creating and selling more of what we don't need, to help others get back to those days - those days of less.

Those days of nothing much to hold, but with the childlike innocence of holding out our little hands and receiving.  And you were meant to say thank you - but sometimes you were just smiling so much that you forgot - and it really didn't matter - not really - because as God would have it - you'd have another day, just like today, tomorrow. 

And if it wasn't.  It wasn't.  And no one got too bothered about it.  You would just end up inside, (if you were allowed) - fighting and arguing about who was going to ride the bike as soon as you could get outside.

I am evil.

It is quite a beautiful day, the day, you see, that you are evil. 

And/but the Lord is good.

Did you ever get that?

Well, I never did.  Not until today. 

And many who know me will say - you are not evil.
In fact, I would have said that myself.  In my very heart of hearts, I truelly believed I was not evil. But I am.  

How did I discover that I was evil?

I looked about my new home today.  The sun is out, finally.  The lawns are mowed.  I mowed my lawns the other sunny day that arrived this month.  I looked at my new roses to see if they were blooming yet, or even hinting at blooming.  I smelled the beautiful orange smell of the other flowers I have bought and planted.  I took my hanging baskets and put them out on the lawn to enjoy the sun.  I laundered my clothes and hung them out on the line.  I made my bed, perfectly, as I do, opened the curtains and let the sun beam in it's joy.  I opened the windows through the house and felt the freshness of the air slowly drift into my home.  I vacuumed around the fireplace and sucked up all the little bits and pieces of broken wood scattered on the carpet.  I cleaned the two dishes and one cup, sitting in the sink, dried them, put them in the cupboard and buffed the sink dry.  I took a cloth and wiped down all the little delightful dishes and ornaments I have about my home, and fluffed the artificial beautifully white chrysanthemums that proudly sit in a jug, on a beautiful white, fruit embossed, italian platter, on the dining table.  I stood back and looked about this little cottage, this little dwelling that I live in with my cat, who is almost blind - and quite suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt sad.  I felt really really sad.  

Who am I to have this?  Who am I to enjoy this?  This delightful little cottage, in a street where there is evidence of brokenness and lack, of sadness and settling, of hope and desperation.  Who am I to be here, to be standing here, in this place, knowing that God is so merciful, so graceful, so loving and so good, that no matter how many times I turned my back on Him, no matter how many times I shunned His word, no matter how many days I cursed the day I was born, no matter how many times I did not mention His name, nor offer His hand, no matter how many times I hated others, no matter how many times I worried my children frantically running around the countryside desperately searching for love - He did not fail me.  He did not fail me.  When everyone else has, will and did.  He did not fail me.  Why?

Because He is Good.

And that is how I know that I am evil.

And it is because of this that I realise that there is nothing I can do, or will ever do, that will gain me favour with God.  And the longing to do this, to find favour with God, has paralysed my faith in Him, many a day and it has battered my trust in Him, many a lonely night - and I couldn't see or I refused to lay down my own perfect holiness - and see His Goodness.

I could say, I don't know why I am so blessed, but that wouldn't be true.

I am blessed of God, because He looks at me and sees the Righteousness of Christ.

And that is all.

     



 

Delight in the Lord

delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

i had it so ingrained in me - so subtely entrenched in my heart and thoughts - that this meant - if i would make God the center of my life -

then everything that i longed for, everything i desired, everything that i had carried in my heart for so long, for years even - would be added 

to me - and that every desire - so far - unfulfilled - would manifest in my life and would prove - my decision - to follow God - to be a good one.

i couldn't have been more wrong.  though many preachers had preached this doctrine to be true - (a doctrine i swallowed up with relish, with absolute delight) - i loved this doctrine - i purposefully sought out messages that would only talk about all the wonderful things God wanted me to have and all the wonderful things/desires He was going to give me.  if at any time - a niggle or Holy Spirit nudge entered my spirit - to warn me that this might not be exactly what God meant - i would cry it down - throw the bible across the room - or just swallow it down like harsh medicine that i suspected had been given me, to cure me - but i was unwilling to take.  i didn't want to give up the desires of my heart.  i didn't want to give up the things my heart was passionate for.  i didn't want to give up any meaningful desires - and i didn't have to - if i delight myself in the Lord - He will GIVE me the desires of my heart.

to be honest - it wasn't that i didn't receive the desires of my heart - because in reality - i did - sort of.  the only problem was - my desires kept changing.  my hearts desires wouldn't stop moving.  in all sorts of directions too.  relationships - things - big things - little things - necessities - 

luxuries - and so on and so on - fame - obscurity - beauty - wealth - health - love.  to a degree - i got to taste all of these desires - in varying measure - i grant you - not all totally huge - but fulfilled desires to some degree - all the same.  and yet - there was always something missing - always something falling short in each desire fulfilled - there always remained - a gnawing ache deep in the center of me - that something was always amiss.  i wasn't satisfied.  i wasn't at peace.  and it took years - many years - for God to work in me - what He actually meant - when He said -

delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart

two years ago - as i was sitting at my computer writing away at my blog - a blog that i had started after suffering many weeks in deep despair over deep loneliness and self loathing, thinking of all the things that i had done in my life that seemed so important, so needfully important, but i had realised now, were so ugly, so grotesque, that just the thought of them was crippling my belief that there was any hope or worth in my life. and then, a tiny, miniscule thought flashed across my mind - then disappeared. it was like a tiny jolt of life giving electricity, ran through my body, for the slightest, briefest moment. i realised - that for that one fleeting nanosecond - something shifted in my spirit.  it was so slight - that if it hadn't have been for my deepest dark moment - i wouldn't have even noticed it.  but because of that minutest jump in my spirit - i stopped typing.  what was that?  what had i heard?  what had i thought?  what was that change? what was that split nanosecond of hope that i felt flit across my spirit?

and this was it -

DELIGHT yourself in the Lord

as that sunk in - as those words began to infuse themselves into my heart soul and mind - DELIGHT, yourself in the Lord - they slowly began to come alive - delight 'yourself' in the LORD - be delighted in the Lord - find your delight in the Lord - where is your delight to be found? in the Lord - there is no other delight, but the Lord - all other delights are not from the Lord - are you delighting in the Lord? - do you not delight yourself in the Lord - why are you downcast? delight yourself in the Lord - you are downcast for you do not delight in the Lord, you delight in temporal - be not downcast, delight yourself in the Lord - be not downcast, be delighted that you ARE IN the Lord - and that was it.

i had been fooled - i had failed to recognise that nothing in my heart had changed at all - it was still full of all my desires - my lusts.  i hadn't spent anytime - not truthfully - seeking God Himself - and to that end.  i had spent my time searching the scriptures looking for promises made by God - to me - detailing how i could receive His gifts.  His gifts - not Him.  not God personally.  my heart was still full of all the things i believed would satisfy me - things that would bring me pleasure - things i could be proud of - things that would make my life worthwhile - things that would give me honour - things that would make others look up to me - things that would make others want to be with me - things that would say to others ' the Lord is pleased with her' - things, like feelings of worth - things, like youthful exuberance - things, like age resistance - things - things - things.  and the more things - i got - the more i believed the Lord loved me - no things - no love.  no things - no worth.  i did not delight myself in the Lord.

and the most amazingly insane thing about it all - i think somewhere inside me - i knew it - and had known it for some time.  it was as if i still believed that i could make a secret pact with God - i will chase this one desire Lord - and then i am all yours.  i will settle this lust first Lord - and then You shall have center stage.  how could i settle - to be delighted - in just the Lord?  that doesn't make sense - to be delighted in the Lord - would mean giving up - letting go - surrendering - all my desires - all my lusts - all my emotions even - because my emotions told me - what i desired - didn't they?  and wasn't that where God Himself lived?  hadn't God used my emotions to guide me and lead me?  history check - no.  that was my heart  - God had never used my emotions to reveal any truth.  so my emotions were wrong.  so my desires were wrong.  so my heart was wrong.

and there it was.  it had come full circle. my heart was wrong - as He had said - the heart of man is deceitful above all things.  the heart of man is deceitful - my heart was/is deceitful - deliberately misleading.  isn't that amazing.  my heart - in fact the heart of all man - is deliberately misleading.  and for all of my life - as long as i could remember anyway - it has been said - follow your heart.  it is almost impossible to comprehend the entirety of what that means - except for this one piece of scripture - which spells it out - in black and white - the heart - my heart - is DELIBERATELY misleading.  how many times in my life have i been deliberately misleading?  many.  thousands.  millions.  and here was the reason why - my heart had DELIBERATELY misled me - and on top of that - He says - it is desperately wicked.  can you possibly comprehend what that means.  my own heart - my own personal life compass - has deliberately, desperately, wickedly manipulated every emotion to lead me - guide me - lure me - away from God.  not only had my heart been misleading me but it was deceitful - above all things.

above all things.  my heart is deceitful above all things.  so then - if my heart is deceitful - above all things - then my heart is deceitful - deliberately misleading - about God's word - about what God's word truelly means. and yes - though my mind is involved - my heart will 'overwhelm' me with emotion - to the point where - my mind will stop - and i listen to my heart - and i am misled.  and i think back to all the times i believed my heart and followed it - to nowhere.  see, my heart has desires which exalt themselves above anything God says, which cause it to hurt - or cause me to 'emotionally' hurt - and once i am emotionally hurting - my mind disengages - and i pull out - and i search for something - spiritually or not - which will 'please' my heart - and i go with that.  my heart has no desire to have anything to do with God.  not the God of the bible - not Jesus Christ - any other god will do - just not those two - (or three, as the case may be) - and why not?  for the very same reason that God said - the heart of man is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked - and if i allow God to get hold of it - He will wring it out - He will reveal the Truth - and the Truth is the very thing my heart is not.  my heart is MISLEADING.  JESUS CHRIST is TRUTHLEADING.  my heart - leads me astray - away from truth - deliberately.  away from - delight yourself in the Lord - to - He will give you the desires of your heart.

so, with my heart disengaged - my spiritual eyes open and aware - i read this scripture anew :

DELIGHT in the LORD.  (for there is nothing other, nothing that CAN and WILL cause you to be delighted no matter what your circumstances, no matter where you are, no matter what you are going through, no matter what you believe, no matter what you feel)

HE will take all the deceitful desires from your heart.  (all the deliberate wickedness that lies inside it)

HE will GIVE you HIS desires.  (desires that are true, praiseworthy, glorifying to Him, pure, lovely, admirable, noble, right)

  

amen

      

Isaiah 53

just a funny thing -

reading Isaiah 53 - along with a commentary by John Wesley...

and i hadn't ever seen it before...
jesus was uncomely
and they believed him to be afflicted by god
but they were wrong
he didn't receive punishment -
he laid down his life and took punishment
there is a huge difference - to me
aarghhh - i can't even put it into words properly

so, i'll just be silent until maybe, i can.

Jesus?

last night i had a dream -

it was the day of my wedding
i was set to marry a man i was deeply in love with
but i was deeply troubled by what i was wearing
i wrestled with what i had on for most of the morning
it was all so ugly, i was all so ugly
and i desperately wanted the robes i had seen on others
as the hour of the wedding ceremony approached -
i buckled
i made a dash to a store and purchased more beautiful robes
and at home, so close to the moment i was to be married
i saw that the new robes were ugly and so distorted upon me
that i looked like a man
i could not go to my own wedding
i was overwhelmingly devastated
as the hour of the wedding passed
my 'husband-to-have-been' made a call to me
he was sorrowful that i hadn't shown up to be his bride -
he was sorrowful that i had rejected him at the altar
and my heart broke -
for it wasn't that at all -
i loved this man with all my heart
and i realised i should have just shown up as i was
that was all he asked, that i come and be his
and i woke up

this day - sept 27

this day -

i see out the window
and watch as a cat
climbs the kowhai tree
to catch a tui
but the tui flies off
to another kowhai tree
and continues to sing
and the cat
now at the top of the kowhai tree
looks dumbly around
it even looks at me -
is it embarrassed?
it turns itself around 
and skulks ungracefully 
back down the tree
and walks off...
and the tui flies back to the kowhai tree
and continues to sing
i am to be as the tui

for chanelle

for chanelle -


being wrong -
... just writing you a message before I go to bed...

being wrong -

don't be sad - if you feel like you can't get anything right
it's okay - 
just let yourself get everything wrong 
people get over wrong - trust me
i can't remember the amount of times i got things wrong and thought that my world may as well end - and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i got things right and thought
that everything was well in the world - and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times believing i will never be happy again - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times believing i will never be sad again - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i trusted and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i didn't trust and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i was in love and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i wasn't in love and i was RIGHT - haha
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i was doing an absolutely marvellous job - and found out i was shit
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i was doing shit - and found out i was doing an absolutely marvellous job
i can't remember the amount of times i thought looks don't matter - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought looks do matter -i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i'll get over this easy as - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i'll never get over this - i was wrong...

so honey, as you can see, i have extensive experience in getting things wrong and god bless my little cotton sox - i'm gonna keep getting it wrong - of that i can be sure -

so what to do about it -

cry - yeah have a cry - three little letters and acronym for:
C: Care R: Rabout Y: You 
say a little prayer (or a big one) it doesn't matter - just have a little heart to heart with God, just you and Him - amazing sometimes how a little heart to heart with God helps to empty our little boxes full of 'wrongs' - lightening our loads and all that

you know honey - i've come to think that being & doing stuff wrong is a privilege that the good lord Himself entrusts only to those who have the courage to break down and cry because they can't do it -
and if i'm right - then my CV is chokka full of experience - and if i'm wrong - ahhhh well - Lord forgive me for saying shit like that aye - haha - (but on this I think i'm right :P)

waiting on the Lord -

June 4 - Such an awesome experience to be in the midst of this service.  Oh how awesome is the Lord.  In recent weeks my sister-in-law and I have been in prayer as the Lord has lead us - and in our obedience to Him - that we were to wait - stand behind Him and wait on Him - though His Spirit was bringing awesome revelation to us both - we have been lead to be silent and wait on Him - and He will reveal His will to those we have been praying for in His Way - and He will be glorified.  It has been my prayer - that I will testify of Him and only Him and in praying for others, He has lead me to pray that they also will testify of Him and His love.  
In Sunday morning's service all I could do was gasp continually in amazement as through the service the 'speaker' (sorry, forgot his name - i was just so in awe of our Lord's ways) spoke of all the things we have been praying about and praying for: 


                                    


1. a prayer room - something the Lord has had me in prayer for 
2. facebook - and the destruction it has been causing to the relationships He is trying to reconcile, the destruction it is bringing to His people through it's deception and the hidden spirit behind it 
3. the spiritual effects of sex on us - when we are outside of His Will.
4. the torment and loneliness created through our believing that we are identified in 'facebook' when His Word says we are identified in Him.
5. my brother, hearing the words he has spoken to his daughter, over and over again and watching them fall to the ground, now come across the pulpit with 'testimony' up on the screen from a teenage girl - and his daughter heard.
6. that same daughter, my niece, singing, as the service came to a close with a voice so beautiful.
7. my sister-in-law seeing that the Lord has heard her - that her family return to the house of the Lord - but He has told us both - be silent, stand behind me, watch what I am doing, place yourself inside my Will - I will lift your husband/brother - and He will give glory to Me.
8. that Our Lord, and only Our Lord receive the glory - as we have prayed - for all that He is doing.




God has had me shut in, shut down, closed off and alone.  Why?
Because He is God.
He is Sovereign.
He is Lord.
    and if I am to be in His Will, I need too hear Him clearly.  See Him clearly.  And to do this I need to recognise Him above all others!

His discipline

we are called to repent.



if you are like me
and believe you have nothing to repent
beyond the repentance you first announced
when you accepted Christ
then you may be wrong -

 

i was wrong.
it doesn't matter what any one else has said
yes, we will live out the circumstances of our sin
that i know is true -
but it is the Lord who calls me
and so it is the Lord
who withdraws from me
and shuts me in
and closes me down
and brings punishment to me



He revealed my pride against Him - in me
a pride so subtly hidden
beneath my desire for justification
my desire for my plans
my desire for my desires
His silence drove me to pursue Him



not seek Him - so meek and mild
not read about Him - so easy and comfortable
not sing about Him - with gay abandon
not lift my arms - not fall on my knees
not tithe my last dollar - not attend every church meeting in town
not beg, plead and borrow to get Him to talk to me -
i did all of that and more

He drove me to Pursue Him - go after Him
harrass Him - persevere and persist on Him
stalk and shadow Him - trace, track and trail Him
scout out and search for Him
find Him, find Him - whatever it took to find Him
and when He finally spoke 
i saw that He had been speaking to me all along



He gave me the chance to humble myself before Him
reveal my repentant heart -
realise I am repentant to none but Him
see myself through His eyes
and bow down in humble repentance
that He has been so merciful to me



the day of the Lord is coming
the day of His Judgement
and in His mercy He is calling on His people
those He has chosen and called out to be His own
He is calling us back - through our heart breaks
through our broken down walls and unfulfilled dreams
through our misery and our drowsiness with this world
through our sorrows and our losses
through our broken hearts and empty cupboards
He wants us Hungry for Him 
for He want us with Him

oh so blessed to be loved that much - amen

the Lord is Almighty to save

tuesday 22 may 2012




the Lord is Awesome.  i don't even know where to begin.  


i have known in my heart that the circumstances i have been in for the past year are and have been circumstances orchestrated by the Lord.


the Lord has had me fenced in.  he has had me shut down, blocked off and set apart.  totally alone.  
                                                  


if i went out to find comfort.  he shut me off.  if i sat home to find comfort.  he shut me in.  if i was given good well meaning advice.  he shut it down.  if i turned to the left.  he cut the left off.  if i turned to the right.  he cut the right off.  if i picked up comfort in myself.  he made it fall.  if i prayed.  he kept silent.  if i cried.  he kept silent.  





i begged for His comfort.  i found it for a moment.  and then it was gone.  to be replaced by tears, longing, sorrow, aloneness, unworthiness, overwhelming aching from within.  not poetic.  


i don't know what to say.  except the Lord is awesome and He is mighty to save.


if you have been called.  if you have had an encounter at any time, ever in your life, with the Lord Jesus - and you are experiencing doubt through His silence and the circumstances in your life are going from bad to worse - and He is silent - day after day - and the doubt you have isn't about whether He is Lord - but about you being the one person He didn't die for - then you have spent the day with me.
                                                                                    
                                                                                                       
and all i can say is this.  He has it.  He has you and He has your life, your circumstances, your troubles, your unworthiness, your sorrow, your longing, your tears, your aching - your breath, He has it - 
                                      
for me - my Lord had to bring His discipline into my life - there is no other way - if He is to be Lord of my life, then it has to be His way or nothing.  no other way.  He is the Way.  His way - is the Way.  no other way.  no others way.  no way but His.  in everything.  in my life.
and His punishment for my wayward ways was His discipline.


He didn't have to do.  He is Sovereign.  He is The Almighty.  who am i that He should care to punish me.  to discipline me.  and i have come to know this Lord deeper.  He wants me to hear His voice - hear Him clearly - see where He is clearly - see where He is going clearly - see what He is doing clearly - see His anger clearly - see His Love, Grace and Mercy so very clearly - that i can distinguish between the Lord Himself and the eternally fatal imitations.  i must see Him clearly - to follow.