one bike

I've just been sitting outside on this beautiful sunny peaceful day.  It's just an awesome feeling just sitting there listening, looking at a front lawn, that needs mowing again, imagining family lolling about, a tent here, a tent there.  Hearing children giggling and laughing as they walk up the road, and finally into view, with towels hung over their arms.  And there is just this inner delight at watching them.  So unbothered by all the material desires that await them.  So unbothered by what they are wearing, unbothered by their straggly damp hair, unbothered that only one has a bike to ride on and that the rest of them have to walk.  Just so unbothered.  Just simply receiving.  And going with it.  Receiving the joy of a lake to swim in, on this warm spring day.  Receiving the simple task of walking down the road to the water.  And I remember days like that.  Days lying underneath a grapevine and just eating grapes.  Climbing plum trees, and gorging myself on plums.  Playing hide and seek.  And I am so glad to see days like this still exist.  That there are children who have little enough, that they will just receive the goodness of a nice spring day, a beautiful lake, a few friends, a couple of towels, and one bike.  

And I don't know, but I think that's what it's really all about, sometimes.  That crazy manic desire to get back to those days.  That crazy manic drive that continually gnaws away out us, that we need more, we need more, we need more, or we're never going to make it back there.  We're never going to make it back if we don't hurry up and get enough stuff.

And the whole while, we are run ragged, we are stressed and chaotic.  We are screaming at our children to hurry up.  We are screaming at each other to move out of the way.  We are yelling at others to catch up.  We are crying folks down, we are splitting hairs, we are frantically creating and selling more of what we don't need, to help others get back to those days - those days of less.

Those days of nothing much to hold, but with the childlike innocence of holding out our little hands and receiving.  And you were meant to say thank you - but sometimes you were just smiling so much that you forgot - and it really didn't matter - not really - because as God would have it - you'd have another day, just like today, tomorrow. 

And if it wasn't.  It wasn't.  And no one got too bothered about it.  You would just end up inside, (if you were allowed) - fighting and arguing about who was going to ride the bike as soon as you could get outside.

I am evil.

It is quite a beautiful day, the day, you see, that you are evil. 

And/but the Lord is good.

Did you ever get that?

Well, I never did.  Not until today. 

And many who know me will say - you are not evil.
In fact, I would have said that myself.  In my very heart of hearts, I truelly believed I was not evil. But I am.  

How did I discover that I was evil?

I looked about my new home today.  The sun is out, finally.  The lawns are mowed.  I mowed my lawns the other sunny day that arrived this month.  I looked at my new roses to see if they were blooming yet, or even hinting at blooming.  I smelled the beautiful orange smell of the other flowers I have bought and planted.  I took my hanging baskets and put them out on the lawn to enjoy the sun.  I laundered my clothes and hung them out on the line.  I made my bed, perfectly, as I do, opened the curtains and let the sun beam in it's joy.  I opened the windows through the house and felt the freshness of the air slowly drift into my home.  I vacuumed around the fireplace and sucked up all the little bits and pieces of broken wood scattered on the carpet.  I cleaned the two dishes and one cup, sitting in the sink, dried them, put them in the cupboard and buffed the sink dry.  I took a cloth and wiped down all the little delightful dishes and ornaments I have about my home, and fluffed the artificial beautifully white chrysanthemums that proudly sit in a jug, on a beautiful white, fruit embossed, italian platter, on the dining table.  I stood back and looked about this little cottage, this little dwelling that I live in with my cat, who is almost blind - and quite suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt sad.  I felt really really sad.  

Who am I to have this?  Who am I to enjoy this?  This delightful little cottage, in a street where there is evidence of brokenness and lack, of sadness and settling, of hope and desperation.  Who am I to be here, to be standing here, in this place, knowing that God is so merciful, so graceful, so loving and so good, that no matter how many times I turned my back on Him, no matter how many times I shunned His word, no matter how many days I cursed the day I was born, no matter how many times I did not mention His name, nor offer His hand, no matter how many times I hated others, no matter how many times I worried my children frantically running around the countryside desperately searching for love - He did not fail me.  He did not fail me.  When everyone else has, will and did.  He did not fail me.  Why?

Because He is Good.

And that is how I know that I am evil.

And it is because of this that I realise that there is nothing I can do, or will ever do, that will gain me favour with God.  And the longing to do this, to find favour with God, has paralysed my faith in Him, many a day and it has battered my trust in Him, many a lonely night - and I couldn't see or I refused to lay down my own perfect holiness - and see His Goodness.

I could say, I don't know why I am so blessed, but that wouldn't be true.

I am blessed of God, because He looks at me and sees the Righteousness of Christ.

And that is all.

     



 

Delight in the Lord

delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

i had it so ingrained in me - so subtely entrenched in my heart and thoughts - that this meant - if i would make God the center of my life -

then everything that i longed for, everything i desired, everything that i had carried in my heart for so long, for years even - would be added 

to me - and that every desire - so far - unfulfilled - would manifest in my life and would prove - my decision - to follow God - to be a good one.

i couldn't have been more wrong.  though many preachers had preached this doctrine to be true - (a doctrine i swallowed up with relish, with absolute delight) - i loved this doctrine - i purposefully sought out messages that would only talk about all the wonderful things God wanted me to have and all the wonderful things/desires He was going to give me.  if at any time - a niggle or Holy Spirit nudge entered my spirit - to warn me that this might not be exactly what God meant - i would cry it down - throw the bible across the room - or just swallow it down like harsh medicine that i suspected had been given me, to cure me - but i was unwilling to take.  i didn't want to give up the desires of my heart.  i didn't want to give up the things my heart was passionate for.  i didn't want to give up any meaningful desires - and i didn't have to - if i delight myself in the Lord - He will GIVE me the desires of my heart.

to be honest - it wasn't that i didn't receive the desires of my heart - because in reality - i did - sort of.  the only problem was - my desires kept changing.  my hearts desires wouldn't stop moving.  in all sorts of directions too.  relationships - things - big things - little things - necessities - 

luxuries - and so on and so on - fame - obscurity - beauty - wealth - health - love.  to a degree - i got to taste all of these desires - in varying measure - i grant you - not all totally huge - but fulfilled desires to some degree - all the same.  and yet - there was always something missing - always something falling short in each desire fulfilled - there always remained - a gnawing ache deep in the center of me - that something was always amiss.  i wasn't satisfied.  i wasn't at peace.  and it took years - many years - for God to work in me - what He actually meant - when He said -

delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart

two years ago - as i was sitting at my computer writing away at my blog - a blog that i had started after suffering many weeks in deep despair over deep loneliness and self loathing, thinking of all the things that i had done in my life that seemed so important, so needfully important, but i had realised now, were so ugly, so grotesque, that just the thought of them was crippling my belief that there was any hope or worth in my life. and then, a tiny, miniscule thought flashed across my mind - then disappeared. it was like a tiny jolt of life giving electricity, ran through my body, for the slightest, briefest moment. i realised - that for that one fleeting nanosecond - something shifted in my spirit.  it was so slight - that if it hadn't have been for my deepest dark moment - i wouldn't have even noticed it.  but because of that minutest jump in my spirit - i stopped typing.  what was that?  what had i heard?  what had i thought?  what was that change? what was that split nanosecond of hope that i felt flit across my spirit?

and this was it -

DELIGHT yourself in the Lord

as that sunk in - as those words began to infuse themselves into my heart soul and mind - DELIGHT, yourself in the Lord - they slowly began to come alive - delight 'yourself' in the LORD - be delighted in the Lord - find your delight in the Lord - where is your delight to be found? in the Lord - there is no other delight, but the Lord - all other delights are not from the Lord - are you delighting in the Lord? - do you not delight yourself in the Lord - why are you downcast? delight yourself in the Lord - you are downcast for you do not delight in the Lord, you delight in temporal - be not downcast, delight yourself in the Lord - be not downcast, be delighted that you ARE IN the Lord - and that was it.

i had been fooled - i had failed to recognise that nothing in my heart had changed at all - it was still full of all my desires - my lusts.  i hadn't spent anytime - not truthfully - seeking God Himself - and to that end.  i had spent my time searching the scriptures looking for promises made by God - to me - detailing how i could receive His gifts.  His gifts - not Him.  not God personally.  my heart was still full of all the things i believed would satisfy me - things that would bring me pleasure - things i could be proud of - things that would make my life worthwhile - things that would give me honour - things that would make others look up to me - things that would make others want to be with me - things that would say to others ' the Lord is pleased with her' - things, like feelings of worth - things, like youthful exuberance - things, like age resistance - things - things - things.  and the more things - i got - the more i believed the Lord loved me - no things - no love.  no things - no worth.  i did not delight myself in the Lord.

and the most amazingly insane thing about it all - i think somewhere inside me - i knew it - and had known it for some time.  it was as if i still believed that i could make a secret pact with God - i will chase this one desire Lord - and then i am all yours.  i will settle this lust first Lord - and then You shall have center stage.  how could i settle - to be delighted - in just the Lord?  that doesn't make sense - to be delighted in the Lord - would mean giving up - letting go - surrendering - all my desires - all my lusts - all my emotions even - because my emotions told me - what i desired - didn't they?  and wasn't that where God Himself lived?  hadn't God used my emotions to guide me and lead me?  history check - no.  that was my heart  - God had never used my emotions to reveal any truth.  so my emotions were wrong.  so my desires were wrong.  so my heart was wrong.

and there it was.  it had come full circle. my heart was wrong - as He had said - the heart of man is deceitful above all things.  the heart of man is deceitful - my heart was/is deceitful - deliberately misleading.  isn't that amazing.  my heart - in fact the heart of all man - is deliberately misleading.  and for all of my life - as long as i could remember anyway - it has been said - follow your heart.  it is almost impossible to comprehend the entirety of what that means - except for this one piece of scripture - which spells it out - in black and white - the heart - my heart - is DELIBERATELY misleading.  how many times in my life have i been deliberately misleading?  many.  thousands.  millions.  and here was the reason why - my heart had DELIBERATELY misled me - and on top of that - He says - it is desperately wicked.  can you possibly comprehend what that means.  my own heart - my own personal life compass - has deliberately, desperately, wickedly manipulated every emotion to lead me - guide me - lure me - away from God.  not only had my heart been misleading me but it was deceitful - above all things.

above all things.  my heart is deceitful above all things.  so then - if my heart is deceitful - above all things - then my heart is deceitful - deliberately misleading - about God's word - about what God's word truelly means. and yes - though my mind is involved - my heart will 'overwhelm' me with emotion - to the point where - my mind will stop - and i listen to my heart - and i am misled.  and i think back to all the times i believed my heart and followed it - to nowhere.  see, my heart has desires which exalt themselves above anything God says, which cause it to hurt - or cause me to 'emotionally' hurt - and once i am emotionally hurting - my mind disengages - and i pull out - and i search for something - spiritually or not - which will 'please' my heart - and i go with that.  my heart has no desire to have anything to do with God.  not the God of the bible - not Jesus Christ - any other god will do - just not those two - (or three, as the case may be) - and why not?  for the very same reason that God said - the heart of man is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked - and if i allow God to get hold of it - He will wring it out - He will reveal the Truth - and the Truth is the very thing my heart is not.  my heart is MISLEADING.  JESUS CHRIST is TRUTHLEADING.  my heart - leads me astray - away from truth - deliberately.  away from - delight yourself in the Lord - to - He will give you the desires of your heart.

so, with my heart disengaged - my spiritual eyes open and aware - i read this scripture anew :

DELIGHT in the LORD.  (for there is nothing other, nothing that CAN and WILL cause you to be delighted no matter what your circumstances, no matter where you are, no matter what you are going through, no matter what you believe, no matter what you feel)

HE will take all the deceitful desires from your heart.  (all the deliberate wickedness that lies inside it)

HE will GIVE you HIS desires.  (desires that are true, praiseworthy, glorifying to Him, pure, lovely, admirable, noble, right)

  

amen

      

Isaiah 53

just a funny thing -

reading Isaiah 53 - along with a commentary by John Wesley...

and i hadn't ever seen it before...
jesus was uncomely
and they believed him to be afflicted by god
but they were wrong
he didn't receive punishment -
he laid down his life and took punishment
there is a huge difference - to me
aarghhh - i can't even put it into words properly

so, i'll just be silent until maybe, i can.

Jesus?

last night i had a dream -

it was the day of my wedding
i was set to marry a man i was deeply in love with
but i was deeply troubled by what i was wearing
i wrestled with what i had on for most of the morning
it was all so ugly, i was all so ugly
and i desperately wanted the robes i had seen on others
as the hour of the wedding ceremony approached -
i buckled
i made a dash to a store and purchased more beautiful robes
and at home, so close to the moment i was to be married
i saw that the new robes were ugly and so distorted upon me
that i looked like a man
i could not go to my own wedding
i was overwhelmingly devastated
as the hour of the wedding passed
my 'husband-to-have-been' made a call to me
he was sorrowful that i hadn't shown up to be his bride -
he was sorrowful that i had rejected him at the altar
and my heart broke -
for it wasn't that at all -
i loved this man with all my heart
and i realised i should have just shown up as i was
that was all he asked, that i come and be his
and i woke up

this day - sept 27

this day -

i see out the window
and watch as a cat
climbs the kowhai tree
to catch a tui
but the tui flies off
to another kowhai tree
and continues to sing
and the cat
now at the top of the kowhai tree
looks dumbly around
it even looks at me -
is it embarrassed?
it turns itself around 
and skulks ungracefully 
back down the tree
and walks off...
and the tui flies back to the kowhai tree
and continues to sing
i am to be as the tui

for chanelle

for chanelle -


being wrong -
... just writing you a message before I go to bed...

being wrong -

don't be sad - if you feel like you can't get anything right
it's okay - 
just let yourself get everything wrong 
people get over wrong - trust me
i can't remember the amount of times i got things wrong and thought that my world may as well end - and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i got things right and thought
that everything was well in the world - and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times believing i will never be happy again - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times believing i will never be sad again - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i trusted and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i didn't trust and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i was in love and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i wasn't in love and i was RIGHT - haha
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i was doing an absolutely marvellous job - and found out i was shit
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i was doing shit - and found out i was doing an absolutely marvellous job
i can't remember the amount of times i thought looks don't matter - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought looks do matter -i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i'll get over this easy as - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i'll never get over this - i was wrong...

so honey, as you can see, i have extensive experience in getting things wrong and god bless my little cotton sox - i'm gonna keep getting it wrong - of that i can be sure -

so what to do about it -

cry - yeah have a cry - three little letters and acronym for:
C: Care R: Rabout Y: You 
say a little prayer (or a big one) it doesn't matter - just have a little heart to heart with God, just you and Him - amazing sometimes how a little heart to heart with God helps to empty our little boxes full of 'wrongs' - lightening our loads and all that

you know honey - i've come to think that being & doing stuff wrong is a privilege that the good lord Himself entrusts only to those who have the courage to break down and cry because they can't do it -
and if i'm right - then my CV is chokka full of experience - and if i'm wrong - ahhhh well - Lord forgive me for saying shit like that aye - haha - (but on this I think i'm right :P)