is this the Cross?

i've just been thinking about it.
loving that thing.
i'm frightened to love that thing.
i keep thinking that if i love that thing and it goes then i will feel bad.  i loved my husband.  he was killed in a car accident and i felt so bad.  i didn't get over it.  of course i didn't get over it.  it's ridiculous to think of getting over it.  i married him because i wanted to spend my mornings, my days, my evenings, my nights, my sleeping and my waking, alongside him.  it's common.  it's what a lot of people want to do.   i knew who i didn't love and who i didn't want.  and i spent enough time with this man to find him not only woah, handsome, but lovely and interesting and kind, and funny and quirky enough and contemplative enough of tomorrow while seriously getting on with it today and he loved me honestly, not like, woah - i'll have me some of that, just honestly like, woah - very nice, and woah - there's more, and woah - what's that, and woah - that's funny... just honestly like that.  but he was killed in a car accident.


i don't know if that's why or when i got frightened to love anything.  i don't think so.  i mean, you don't just stop loving just because that person is dead and you're never going to see them again.  they haven't left you with a reason to stop loving them - like being bashed, or them having mucked around over and over again, or being abusive, or being a bad parent to the children, or working, or anything like that.  they've just died.  so, of course, love continues.  


but it has no object.  does it?  can you love and not have it returned?  i suppose there are definite perfect answers to those questions.  answers psychologists and the like have 'realised' and have made 'set in stone.  but those things don't really mean anything, not really, unless they have 'been' there and experienced it as 'i' have, then all they are doing is 'supposing' - in my book anyway.  


see, i still miss him.  missing someone does bring sad lonely feelings, even if that person isn't dead, but when you have to tell yourself that you have to move from your very sad place because the person you miss, will not be coming back and unless you are prepared to die too, then love must continue but just differently - if only so that you can get on with it.


because there is a child.  and a child deserves to have at least one person who will love them, no matter what.  no matter what.  no matter how much pain, sadness, loss or loneliness might exist in that persons heart.  no matter how much doubt exists in that persons mind.  no matter how much heartache that person will live with at going the rest of the journey alone.  a child deserves, just by right of birth, to have at least, at the very least, one person who will go to battle for his right to experience his life as a 'purposed by God' human being, regardless of his beginnings. 


so you fill in the gaps.  'imagined' gaps.  real tangible gaps.  past gaps.  present gaps.  future gaps.  and filling in those gaps is the part that starts to consume every choice you make.  for those choices have to be made with the focus and purpose of being the very best for the child.    and you get to anchor yourself to that purpose to get you going on.


and as time moves on and you get the benefit of hindsight, you do get to see what you did right and what you did wrong.  but you have before you a man now who has been 'fathered' by the most High and you are perfectly grateful for His word on this matter and for your faith.


and this story is no different to another story.  except that it is personal.  it is my story.  they cannot cover my own story.  research it and come up with solid 'conditions' that will cover the experience as a common ground which they can put a name on and hand out medication which will help blur the true personal experience.  or send me off to a group session to 'learn' the 'think good-get good' secret of happiness.  if it were true, we would all be on our way to glory.


i have come to the conclusion that there is only one true thing to learn.  He interceded for us. and He asks us to do the same.  of this, i am sure.  there is evil in this world.  no pill, no secret can undo truth.  if i do not watch the news because of all the hate i see in it, does that mean it does not exist?  it exists.  He said it exists.  He came because it exists.  


have i done His will.  have i interceded or have i stood in the place of, instead of, rather than and taken the hit, the pain, the loss, the ugliness, the bash, the hatred, the scorn, the ridicule, the rejection, the lonelinss, and the heartache which may have been heading for another?


if so, is this the Cross?