a fool...

would i be a fool... for God?


a year ago
i believed i received a 'vision' of who God had made me to be
and i set myself the task to accomplish this - for Him
i buckled myself into the seat of faith and with fear and trembling
i applied for a loan from my bank - something i absolutely promised myself i would never do, for if there is one thing i hated, it was being in debt -
but
i had buckled myself into the seat of faith - 
believing that if a loan was granted -
then His Will was in play.


it was granted.  i used the money to do the things that needed to be done about my home and then put it on the market -
my faith and belief were so strong that i also sold all my furniture - including my fridge and everything i believed i had no need of anymore -
all i kept were the things i 'loved' - my king size wrought iron bed and an outdoor furniture set my son had bought me the previous christmas -


everything i was keeping, was boxed up and sent to storage - emptying the home of everything - bar the odd essential i needed day to day and a pillow, two blankets and a few floor cushions, which i made up into a bed each night, while i waited for God to do His part and bring a buyer for the house -


a year on -
i am paying off the loan -
the house has not sold -
and i have had to purchase what little i can afford -
in the way of furniture -
unbox the belongings i kept -
and try to make sense of what the heck happened -


i never once came to the conclusion there is no God -
as i sat outside, one day -
feeling totally destroyed, worthless and a fool -
my only conclusion was -
He is God -
and i didn't mean a thing to Him.


that was my conclusion -
and if i didn't mean a thing to Him
then there is no purpose in my living -


i didn't have enough 'faith' to keep it up -
i didn't have enough 'faith' to trust His plan for me -
i didn't have enough 'faith' to take one more step toward Him -
i didn't have enough 'faith' to go another day -


i went against everything i believed and went to a doctor and told her -
i can't do it -
i've had enough -
she kicked into action -
prescribed 'happy' pills -
gave me a medical certificate to excuse me from working -
and set about pushing papers to get me help -


i didn't take the pills - why?
maybe i did have some faith left after all?
though it felt like my mind was crumbling
that i was being undone from the inside out
and just to take a breath was beyond me -
i knew
that that minutest tiniest scrap or crumb of whatever it was in me
that had grabbed me of that step to push me to go get help
for whatever reason -
i had to hold on to it -
and to do that i had to keep what little i had of my 'sane' mind -
awake
to take a 'pill' to keep me happy was definitely not the solution
for me - and i'm only talking about me 
because in my heart of hearts i knew to an extent what i was dealing with -
i was looking in the face of the possibility that God, in all His Glory, had abandoned me,
once and for all
and the overwhelming feeling - for me -
was pure abandonment in it's absolute
and there was
no other 
no alternative
no secret
no formula


for the first time ever -
i found the courage to read Job
and i honestly sat with Job day after day


i was sent to a counsellor
to talk about the sexual abuse i had endured as a child
she told me she couldn't help me...
now that was worth a laugh...
so she organised for me to join a group of people, once a week for six weeks
to learn how to think positive...
as if...


now regardless of the successes people may have had with this train of thought -
it's bullshit -
yep i said it -
it's bullshit -
why?
because to think positively about oneself on a continuum...
you would have to, without one iota of doubt...
believe that all that you are, all that you think, all that you do, all that you want, all that you desire, all that you plan, all that you dream, and all that you have ever done or have had done to you has all come from you and what you have thought...
and that is bullocks...
that i know for a fact...
so - as i have done for a great amount of my life -
i played the game -
and waited patiently for God
the God who i believed had abandoned me -
to show up and tell me what was going on


so - that was my road to recovery
believe it or not -
my road to recovery (if i can call it that)
was waiting on God -


and as another day would dawn
and no new thing had occurred
and no 'miracle' had appeared
and no voice from heaven had spoken


i was left to contemplate
and consider for myself what possibly had gone wrong
and in the midst - i slowly, very slowly- began to see that His silence wasn't personal
and that possibly
He hadn't abandoned me at all
maybe my 'vision' hadn't been Godly -
maybe my wants and desires had stepped upon the lordship seat of my life?
maybe that's what i had buckled myself into?


what i came to consider is this -
maybe all of the above was correct and i was in the midst of a rude awakening
He is God - (He can do what He wants, with or without my approval)
He doesn't have to explain Himself to me
i am allowed to express my doubt (if only to open my door to communicating with Him again)
He knows what He is doing
He, and only He, not one iota of anything else - is my provision - absolute - done!
He enrolls me as His servant knowing full well my failures past present and future
He knows how i will act, react and try to act to get Him to respond to me and He won't be moved


but the most amazing thing i have realised this very day - 


He was keen to see if i would -


be a fool for Him!


and that has been the hardest lesson of my life
because i had no idea how unwilling i was - 
to actually publicly be
a fool!


i believe the 'vision' i received a year ago 
was definitely Godly -
what i wasn't aware of was -
why -


so i may have it wrong -
i may have it right -
i may just be appeasing myself -
or i may just be getting to know -
Him
a little better.