morning
this day began very early, even for an early bird like me. i'm not sure what kept me awake when i opened my eyes at four o'clock this morning. usually i will search my mind and my heart and find someone there. a message from God, that a prayer is needed, forgiveness is needed or preparations are needed as He is about to send me to give a miracle. nothing.
the cat wanted in. usually, when it's bedtime for me, it's bed time for fluffy. last night, she wanted out. maybe my tears were getting on her nerves. oh well. i know there are more to come.
it was so eerie when i sat outside after making my coffee, as i do. thick fog hung between earth and heaven. not touching the ground. not touching the sky. i could see under it. i could see over it. but i couldn't see through it. street lights broke through in tiny whispers, so faint i could hardly hear. a heron called off in the distance. i just sat there. it was almost too rude to breathe.
it's times like this you listen to your heart. i know God is speaking. but i don't know what He's saying. i don't think He woke me up for this. but maybe He did. He always has great things on His mind. is that where i am? between heaven and earth? is there too much fog for me to see clearly? but lights whisper through. am i really on His mind and in His heart but i have fog to clear before i see Him clearly?
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
monday
today i started my blog the Lord's servant
this is my diary
i like to sit outside in the mornings and just look and listen. it speaks to me. something always grabs my attention and tells me of Him. this morning it was 5 ducks flying above my home, heading north. one was calling. that's the only way i can describe his voice. calling. maybe calling the way. maybe calling encouragement. maybe just calling in delight. i don't know. but his was the only voice. amazing. it just spoke to me.
later, when i was sad i returned outside to sit. as i do. and a tui arrived on the kowhai tree in my backyard. her song was so beautiful. and as she sang, another arrived. and i wanted to record them. but there were no flowers on the tree yet. so they left.
i think about that. i thought of the fig tree when jesus was hungry.
i have offered myself as His servant again, hence my blog, because i have been of service
to Him a lot in my life, mostly not fully aware of what being His servant really meant...
but now that i do understand what He asks of me... the tui and the tree speaks to me
of Him...
in the evening i cried great big fat tears. i felt like He didn't love me. that i wasn't worthy to
be His servant. that i wasn't worthy of His miracles. i don't know why He doesn't send someone to comfort me. i know He has sent me. plenty of times. but i knew i was missing out on His miracles. and i don't know why. sometimes i just can't talk myself out of my tears.
i want to, but it's hard work. and i know Him. well, i think i do. He has sent me many times.
to hold a hand. to give. to show His love, His deep personal love. asking me to give things i haven't even a clue why. but He does, and the recipient does. He's so awesome like that.
i think people are scared. i think maybe He asks and there aren't any flowers, so He flies away. and we all miss out on His beauty.
it's an awesome beauty. let me tell you. i stopped crying because i understand the need to
hear His call and obey and say, yes, i will go. i will do it. and not miss out on His miracle in that other heart. i don't know if anyone else understands what i'm saying. but that's okay, i suppose. no one else has to understand. as long as i hear His call when He needs a servant.
so now i see that 5 ducks and two tuis on a flowerless kowhai tree speak to me of Him.
this is my diary
i like to sit outside in the mornings and just look and listen. it speaks to me. something always grabs my attention and tells me of Him. this morning it was 5 ducks flying above my home, heading north. one was calling. that's the only way i can describe his voice. calling. maybe calling the way. maybe calling encouragement. maybe just calling in delight. i don't know. but his was the only voice. amazing. it just spoke to me.
later, when i was sad i returned outside to sit. as i do. and a tui arrived on the kowhai tree in my backyard. her song was so beautiful. and as she sang, another arrived. and i wanted to record them. but there were no flowers on the tree yet. so they left.
i think about that. i thought of the fig tree when jesus was hungry.
i have offered myself as His servant again, hence my blog, because i have been of service
to Him a lot in my life, mostly not fully aware of what being His servant really meant...
but now that i do understand what He asks of me... the tui and the tree speaks to me
of Him...
in the evening i cried great big fat tears. i felt like He didn't love me. that i wasn't worthy to
be His servant. that i wasn't worthy of His miracles. i don't know why He doesn't send someone to comfort me. i know He has sent me. plenty of times. but i knew i was missing out on His miracles. and i don't know why. sometimes i just can't talk myself out of my tears.
i want to, but it's hard work. and i know Him. well, i think i do. He has sent me many times.
to hold a hand. to give. to show His love, His deep personal love. asking me to give things i haven't even a clue why. but He does, and the recipient does. He's so awesome like that.
i think people are scared. i think maybe He asks and there aren't any flowers, so He flies away. and we all miss out on His beauty.
it's an awesome beauty. let me tell you. i stopped crying because i understand the need to
hear His call and obey and say, yes, i will go. i will do it. and not miss out on His miracle in that other heart. i don't know if anyone else understands what i'm saying. but that's okay, i suppose. no one else has to understand. as long as i hear His call when He needs a servant.
so now i see that 5 ducks and two tuis on a flowerless kowhai tree speak to me of Him.
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