monday

today i started my blog the Lord's servant 
this is my diary


i like to sit outside in the mornings and just look and listen. it speaks to me.  something always grabs my attention and tells me of Him. this morning it was 5 ducks flying above my home, heading north. one was calling. that's the only way i can describe his voice.  calling.  maybe calling the way. maybe calling encouragement.  maybe just calling in delight. i don't know. but his was the only voice.  amazing.  it just spoke to me.


later, when i was sad i returned outside to sit.  as i do.  and a tui arrived on the kowhai tree in my backyard.  her song was so beautiful.  and as she sang, another arrived. and i wanted to record them.  but there were no flowers on the tree yet.  so they left.


i think about that.  i thought of the fig tree when jesus was hungry.  
i have offered myself as His servant again, hence my blog, because i have been of service
to Him a lot in my life, mostly not fully aware of what being His servant really meant...
but now that i do understand what He asks of me... the tui and the tree speaks to me
of Him... 


in the evening i cried great big fat tears.  i felt like He didn't love me.  that i wasn't worthy to
be His servant.  that i wasn't worthy of His miracles.  i don't know why He doesn't send someone to comfort me.  i know He has sent me.  plenty of times.  but i knew i was missing out on His miracles.  and i don't know why.  sometimes i just can't talk myself out of my tears.
i want to, but it's hard work.  and i know Him.  well, i think i do.  He has sent me many times.
to hold a hand.  to give.  to show His love, His deep personal love.  asking me to give things i haven't even a clue why.  but He does, and the recipient does.  He's so awesome like that.  
i think people are scared.  i think maybe He asks and there aren't any flowers, so He flies away.  and we all miss out on His beauty.  


it's an awesome beauty.  let me tell you.  i stopped crying because i understand the need to
hear His call and obey and say, yes, i will go. i will do it.  and not miss out on His miracle in that other heart.  i don't know if anyone else understands what i'm saying.  but that's okay, i suppose.  no one else has to understand.   as long as i hear His call when He needs a servant.


so now i see that 5 ducks and two tuis on a flowerless kowhai tree speak to me of Him.