not one luxury will He afford me - but the One already poured out for me?
the days and months have passed since my last entry.
i thought i would now be writing of His goodness, of His restoration to my life.
a testimony, i thought would be now upon this page - of His healing, His restoration of finances, His restoration of relationships lost, a new home, a new marriage - good news, good news, good news -
He has drawn me close.
He has hedged me in.
He has bid me wait - beyond my patience.
He has bid me endure - beyond my endurance.
He has revealed in me my own suffering as He withholds from me the 'freedom' i desire.
yes, i chose to follow Him. yes, i chose His will. yes, i chose to bury my old self beneath the water and rise to a new life - to accept a life of His design.
my old life has beckoned to me from the grave. i have heard it call to me to save myself. to honour myself. to stand in defiance of this loneliness, this separateness, this poverty, this ugliness. it's worth, it's worth - it has cried. and i have prayed for it. prayed that He breathe His love upon it's dying frame - that life be renewed in it.
He knew that i had held water baptism at bay. He knew that i had personally held this final act of obedience between Him and i until i was sure i was ready, fully ready, to lay down my life and allow Him to take over. i knew it would cost me my old life, my old self. everything i held dear. Everything. everything i held dear.
and He is slaying each and every one of my affinities. as each desire of 'self freedom' arises. He allows me to wrestle with Him and is silent as i beg that it be given life. until i can't fight any more and i realise it is surrender He desires. my surrender of this thing. and i think that if i surrender He will give it to me. so i surrender. Lord, it is yours, take it.
but i have hold of it. not in my hand. in my heart. the place where only He must dwell.
and He remains silent. and i don't understand what i have done wrong that He would not allow me this thing. this one tiny thing. and He remains silent.
and He lifts my eyes to eternity. and He says - you will not need it here.
not one luxury will He afford me. but the One already poured out for me.
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