Isaiah 53

just a funny thing -

reading Isaiah 53 - along with a commentary by John Wesley...

and i hadn't ever seen it before...
jesus was uncomely
and they believed him to be afflicted by god
but they were wrong
he didn't receive punishment -
he laid down his life and took punishment
there is a huge difference - to me
aarghhh - i can't even put it into words properly

so, i'll just be silent until maybe, i can.

Jesus?

last night i had a dream -

it was the day of my wedding
i was set to marry a man i was deeply in love with
but i was deeply troubled by what i was wearing
i wrestled with what i had on for most of the morning
it was all so ugly, i was all so ugly
and i desperately wanted the robes i had seen on others
as the hour of the wedding ceremony approached -
i buckled
i made a dash to a store and purchased more beautiful robes
and at home, so close to the moment i was to be married
i saw that the new robes were ugly and so distorted upon me
that i looked like a man
i could not go to my own wedding
i was overwhelmingly devastated
as the hour of the wedding passed
my 'husband-to-have-been' made a call to me
he was sorrowful that i hadn't shown up to be his bride -
he was sorrowful that i had rejected him at the altar
and my heart broke -
for it wasn't that at all -
i loved this man with all my heart
and i realised i should have just shown up as i was
that was all he asked, that i come and be his
and i woke up

this day - sept 27

this day -

i see out the window
and watch as a cat
climbs the kowhai tree
to catch a tui
but the tui flies off
to another kowhai tree
and continues to sing
and the cat
now at the top of the kowhai tree
looks dumbly around
it even looks at me -
is it embarrassed?
it turns itself around 
and skulks ungracefully 
back down the tree
and walks off...
and the tui flies back to the kowhai tree
and continues to sing
i am to be as the tui

for chanelle

for chanelle -


being wrong -
... just writing you a message before I go to bed...

being wrong -

don't be sad - if you feel like you can't get anything right
it's okay - 
just let yourself get everything wrong 
people get over wrong - trust me
i can't remember the amount of times i got things wrong and thought that my world may as well end - and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i got things right and thought
that everything was well in the world - and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times believing i will never be happy again - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times believing i will never be sad again - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i trusted and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i didn't trust and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i was in love and i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i wasn't in love and i was RIGHT - haha
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i was doing an absolutely marvellous job - and found out i was shit
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i was doing shit - and found out i was doing an absolutely marvellous job
i can't remember the amount of times i thought looks don't matter - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought looks do matter -i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i'll get over this easy as - i was wrong
i can't remember the amount of times i thought i'll never get over this - i was wrong...

so honey, as you can see, i have extensive experience in getting things wrong and god bless my little cotton sox - i'm gonna keep getting it wrong - of that i can be sure -

so what to do about it -

cry - yeah have a cry - three little letters and acronym for:
C: Care R: Rabout Y: You 
say a little prayer (or a big one) it doesn't matter - just have a little heart to heart with God, just you and Him - amazing sometimes how a little heart to heart with God helps to empty our little boxes full of 'wrongs' - lightening our loads and all that

you know honey - i've come to think that being & doing stuff wrong is a privilege that the good lord Himself entrusts only to those who have the courage to break down and cry because they can't do it -
and if i'm right - then my CV is chokka full of experience - and if i'm wrong - ahhhh well - Lord forgive me for saying shit like that aye - haha - (but on this I think i'm right :P)

waiting on the Lord -

June 4 - Such an awesome experience to be in the midst of this service.  Oh how awesome is the Lord.  In recent weeks my sister-in-law and I have been in prayer as the Lord has lead us - and in our obedience to Him - that we were to wait - stand behind Him and wait on Him - though His Spirit was bringing awesome revelation to us both - we have been lead to be silent and wait on Him - and He will reveal His will to those we have been praying for in His Way - and He will be glorified.  It has been my prayer - that I will testify of Him and only Him and in praying for others, He has lead me to pray that they also will testify of Him and His love.  
In Sunday morning's service all I could do was gasp continually in amazement as through the service the 'speaker' (sorry, forgot his name - i was just so in awe of our Lord's ways) spoke of all the things we have been praying about and praying for: 


                                    


1. a prayer room - something the Lord has had me in prayer for 
2. facebook - and the destruction it has been causing to the relationships He is trying to reconcile, the destruction it is bringing to His people through it's deception and the hidden spirit behind it 
3. the spiritual effects of sex on us - when we are outside of His Will.
4. the torment and loneliness created through our believing that we are identified in 'facebook' when His Word says we are identified in Him.
5. my brother, hearing the words he has spoken to his daughter, over and over again and watching them fall to the ground, now come across the pulpit with 'testimony' up on the screen from a teenage girl - and his daughter heard.
6. that same daughter, my niece, singing, as the service came to a close with a voice so beautiful.
7. my sister-in-law seeing that the Lord has heard her - that her family return to the house of the Lord - but He has told us both - be silent, stand behind me, watch what I am doing, place yourself inside my Will - I will lift your husband/brother - and He will give glory to Me.
8. that Our Lord, and only Our Lord receive the glory - as we have prayed - for all that He is doing.




God has had me shut in, shut down, closed off and alone.  Why?
Because He is God.
He is Sovereign.
He is Lord.
    and if I am to be in His Will, I need too hear Him clearly.  See Him clearly.  And to do this I need to recognise Him above all others!

His discipline

we are called to repent.



if you are like me
and believe you have nothing to repent
beyond the repentance you first announced
when you accepted Christ
then you may be wrong -

 

i was wrong.
it doesn't matter what any one else has said
yes, we will live out the circumstances of our sin
that i know is true -
but it is the Lord who calls me
and so it is the Lord
who withdraws from me
and shuts me in
and closes me down
and brings punishment to me



He revealed my pride against Him - in me
a pride so subtly hidden
beneath my desire for justification
my desire for my plans
my desire for my desires
His silence drove me to pursue Him



not seek Him - so meek and mild
not read about Him - so easy and comfortable
not sing about Him - with gay abandon
not lift my arms - not fall on my knees
not tithe my last dollar - not attend every church meeting in town
not beg, plead and borrow to get Him to talk to me -
i did all of that and more

He drove me to Pursue Him - go after Him
harrass Him - persevere and persist on Him
stalk and shadow Him - trace, track and trail Him
scout out and search for Him
find Him, find Him - whatever it took to find Him
and when He finally spoke 
i saw that He had been speaking to me all along



He gave me the chance to humble myself before Him
reveal my repentant heart -
realise I am repentant to none but Him
see myself through His eyes
and bow down in humble repentance
that He has been so merciful to me



the day of the Lord is coming
the day of His Judgement
and in His mercy He is calling on His people
those He has chosen and called out to be His own
He is calling us back - through our heart breaks
through our broken down walls and unfulfilled dreams
through our misery and our drowsiness with this world
through our sorrows and our losses
through our broken hearts and empty cupboards
He wants us Hungry for Him 
for He want us with Him

oh so blessed to be loved that much - amen

the Lord is Almighty to save

tuesday 22 may 2012




the Lord is Awesome.  i don't even know where to begin.  


i have known in my heart that the circumstances i have been in for the past year are and have been circumstances orchestrated by the Lord.


the Lord has had me fenced in.  he has had me shut down, blocked off and set apart.  totally alone.  
                                                  


if i went out to find comfort.  he shut me off.  if i sat home to find comfort.  he shut me in.  if i was given good well meaning advice.  he shut it down.  if i turned to the left.  he cut the left off.  if i turned to the right.  he cut the right off.  if i picked up comfort in myself.  he made it fall.  if i prayed.  he kept silent.  if i cried.  he kept silent.  





i begged for His comfort.  i found it for a moment.  and then it was gone.  to be replaced by tears, longing, sorrow, aloneness, unworthiness, overwhelming aching from within.  not poetic.  


i don't know what to say.  except the Lord is awesome and He is mighty to save.


if you have been called.  if you have had an encounter at any time, ever in your life, with the Lord Jesus - and you are experiencing doubt through His silence and the circumstances in your life are going from bad to worse - and He is silent - day after day - and the doubt you have isn't about whether He is Lord - but about you being the one person He didn't die for - then you have spent the day with me.
                                                                                    
                                                                                                       
and all i can say is this.  He has it.  He has you and He has your life, your circumstances, your troubles, your unworthiness, your sorrow, your longing, your tears, your aching - your breath, He has it - 
                                      
for me - my Lord had to bring His discipline into my life - there is no other way - if He is to be Lord of my life, then it has to be His way or nothing.  no other way.  He is the Way.  His way - is the Way.  no other way.  no others way.  no way but His.  in everything.  in my life.
and His punishment for my wayward ways was His discipline.


He didn't have to do.  He is Sovereign.  He is The Almighty.  who am i that He should care to punish me.  to discipline me.  and i have come to know this Lord deeper.  He wants me to hear His voice - hear Him clearly - see where He is clearly - see where He is going clearly - see what He is doing clearly - see His anger clearly - see His Love, Grace and Mercy so very clearly - that i can distinguish between the Lord Himself and the eternally fatal imitations.  i must see Him clearly - to follow.


                                             

Sunday 4 March 2012

not one luxury will He afford me - but the One already poured out for me?


the days and months have passed since my last entry.
i thought i would now be writing of His goodness, of His restoration to my life.
a testimony, i thought would be now upon this page - of His healing, His restoration of finances, His restoration of relationships lost, a new home, a new marriage - good news, good news, good news -


He has drawn me close.
He has hedged me in.
He has bid me wait - beyond my patience.
He has bid me endure - beyond my endurance.


He has revealed in me my own suffering as He withholds from me the 'freedom' i desire.


yes, i chose to follow Him.  yes, i chose His will.  yes, i chose to bury my old self beneath the water and rise to a new life - to accept a life of His design.  


my old life has beckoned to me from the grave.  i have heard it call to me to save myself.  to honour myself.  to stand in defiance of this loneliness, this separateness, this poverty, this ugliness.  it's worth, it's worth - it has cried.  and i have prayed for it.  prayed that He breathe  His love upon it's dying frame - that life be renewed in it.  


He knew that i had held water baptism at bay.  He knew that i had personally held this final act of obedience between Him and i until i was sure i was ready, fully ready, to lay down my life and allow Him to take over.  i knew it would cost me my old life, my old self.  everything i held dear.  Everything.  everything i held dear.


and He is slaying each and every one of my affinities.  as each desire of 'self freedom' arises.  He allows me to wrestle with Him and is silent as i beg that it be given life.  until i can't fight any more and i realise it is surrender He desires.  my surrender of this thing.  and i think that if i surrender He will give it to me.  so i surrender.  Lord, it is yours, take it.


but i have hold of it.  not in my hand.  in my heart.  the place where only He must dwell.


and He remains silent.  and i don't understand what i have done wrong that He would not allow me this thing.  this one tiny thing.  and He remains silent.  


and He lifts my eyes to eternity. and He says - you will not need it here.


not one luxury will He afford me.  but the One already poured out for me.