Free

I have been saddened, surprisingly, by being unfriended on facebook.

And that's a joke.  Me, being saddened by that, is a joke.  It's laughable, but sad.

I am saddened that I, yes even I, have been so deceived into believing that a simple network programme had no hold on me, that I didn't even realise it's hold on me.  It held me to believe that I was of importance.  It's insane.  People are blocking and unfriending people every moment of every day with the express purpose of hurting others and rescuing themselves and people every where are buying into it's importance.  And it simply isn't true.

When on the face of things I realised that the people who unfriended me hadn't even visited me, nor called to see how I was, for goodness knows how long, it was clear that I had been duped into a false sense of community.  I also realised that I had been shackled.  Yes, shackled.  And God knew this.  God knew that as much as I loved Him and desired to praise Him publicly, I was in chains to those who claimed to love me. I did not want to offend them by claiming the Word of God and in return have them unfriend me.  And I didn't even know it.  It is a joke.  A cruel, insane joke.

Facebook asks you to elevate yourself.  What are you thinking?  What are you doing?  Who are you friends with? What are you wearing?  Who are you out with?  How good are you looking?  How creative are you?  How popular are you?  How sexy are you?  How clever are you?  How wonderful are the things you are liking?  Why isn't anyone 'liking' your posts?  Why isn't anyone commenting on your posts?  Why isn't anyone noticing you?  Why aren't the people online chatting with you?  On and on the insanity goes.  And I, yes even I, was totally oblivious to this insanity, until today, when I realised how wonderful God is and how much He loves me, enough to have people unfriend me and in turn release me from their shackles, and I am free.  Now that is Love.

Nahum 1:13 'Now I will break their yoke from your neck and tear your shackles away'

By Him, For Him

1. Psalm 139:16 Seeing that thou didst know me before I was composed of either flesh or bone, much more now must thou know me when thou hast fashioned me.

Of course, this gets me to thinking.

In the midst of my trials, in the midst of my anxious thoughts at this time, in the midst of these long moments of trembling, I am drawn to consider that even this, even this day, this moment, this trial, was known to God, created by God, for God.

And while I sit here, saddened by the struggle of possibly being rejected by people I dearly love, the importance of it is lessened by the knowledge that God has known of this moment for all of my life.

This moment, is a moment, when I can contemplate, that my Father in Heaven, purposed this moment for Himself.  That this moment, though not foreign in it's ingredients, is a moment which God purposed, to draw me to Himself.  A moment, repeated throughout my life.  A moment of familiar rejection.  A moment, when in the past I have considered, why me, why am I so unlovable - now, brings me to contemplate how wonderful My God is.

My mother, my father, my brothers - all purposely created by Him, for Him - for His purposes.  The place of my birth, the hour of my birth, the people of my family - all created by Him, for Him.  My abusers, my enemies, my accusers, everything that has failed to satisfy me - created by Him, for Him.  My husband, my children - created by Him, for Him.  What the devil meant for harm, God used, to call me to Him. 

When people have rejected me, I have so longed for reconciliation, that my emptiness would be satisfied, but God knew that it would never be satisfied.  God knew, purposed it, that I would never be satisfied, outside of Him.  He purposed this moment, for Him.

Oh the times that I have raced off to find contentment, to avoid this painful moment, to avoid the thoughts of worthlessness, nothingness.  How I have argued for my position, my right and my innocence.  How I have pleaded with God to change my circumstances, to avenge my enemies, to lift me up and rescue me from my pain and yet I have run from Him.  And He has always drawn me back.  He has drawn me back to Him again by the rejection and hurt of others upon me.  The very thing I have tried to rescue myself from - is the very thing He has used to woo me back.

Oh how I understand His love for me.  Oh how foolishly I have thought I know Him.  How often I have searched His Word for my benefit - never noticing how much I am rejecting Him - by seeking to rescue myself, with His Word, and not Him.  

There are so many times that I have tried to run and escape from the cloud that surrounds me, never seeing that God is in the cloud.  

Exodus 40:36-38

1599 Geneva Bible (GNV)

36 Now when the cloud ascended up from the Tabernacle, the children of Israel went forward in all their journeys.

37 But if the cloud ascended not, then they journeyed not till the day that it ascended.

38 For [a]the cloud of the Lord was upon the Tabernacle by day, and fire was in it by night in the sight of all the house of Israel, throughout all their journeys.

His Presence...

Oh how amazing He is.

I woke up this morning so completely sure that I wasn't going to go to church.  I just had no good reason to go.  And as I sat outside, drinking my coffee and having a cigarette, terrible thoughts of loneliness and broken heartedness, and worthlessness, and rejection, and foolishness, and purposelessness started swarming around my mind.  I felt awful.  But I knew that these thoughts had nothing to do with not going to church.  Not really.

I knew that my going to church this morning would be for one reason - to alleviate these feelings.  And that just wasn't a good enough reason to go into the house of the Lord.  Not for me anyway.  My heart had a secret desire to go into the assembly of God - not to worship Him - but to worship itself, myself.  And that's the truth and I knew it.  I rolled my thoughts forward - to the leaving church and coming home - and I could see that what I was trying to do was run and hide from my broken heart, from my isolation and fill the void with people - not with God.

I realised I had to pray.  I had to ask God to fill this space.  To come into this broken heart and fill it entirely. I had to expose my pain - to open the valve that I fear could not be shut off - to open it up before God - and ask Him to heal me.  And as much as I doubted that He could heal me - I knew that nothing else could - no people - no church - no husband - no lover - no clothes - no house - no car - no phone call - no amount of money - could heal me from my pain.

So I prayed. http://thelordsservantdiary.blogspot.co.nz/2013/10/my-prayer.html

And then I opened one of the many sermons I've downloaded and began to listen.

And the sermon was Lauren Chandler talking on Steadfast Love.  And at the very beginning, the very first sound I heard - was Lauren Chandler crying.  And I knew why she was crying.  Her heart was broken.

A few years ago, Lauren's husband, Matt Chandler, was diagnosed with a form of brain cancer and has undergone surgery and a number of medical interventions to try and halt or even eradicate his cancer, and save his life.  (Matt Chandler is leading Pastor for The Village Church and they are wonderful.  If you go to The Village Church you will find amazing sermons that you can download for free and lots of amazing encouragement in your walk as a Christian).

So, I could hear Lauren crying and I just couldn't stand it.  I just couldn't stand the thought of sitting here listening to her, not because I didn't empathise with her pain, but because in my selfish heart was the knowing that Matt Chandler, her husband, is still with her and mine wasn't.

And I realised I wasn't done praying.  The broken heartedness inside of me was deep.  It was responsible for my bitterness, for my failing empathy, for my stubbornness and for my rebellion against God.  And that is not easy for me to swallow.  But it's true. And all I could pray, was - God, heal me.

And when I was done praying, I realised I would have to face whatever it was that I needed to face and take courage and listen to Lauren talk on Steadfast Love.  And there it was!

He had answered my prayer.  I had a sermon on His Steadfast Love.

His STEADFAST Love.
stead·fast also sted·fast (st d f st , -f st). adj. 1. Fixed or unchanging; steady. 2. Firmly loyal or constant; unswerving. 

His Love is Steadfast - fixed, unchanging, steady, firmly loyal, constant, unswerving.  And my broken heartedness could not separate me from Him.

He is present.

My Prayer...

Lord
Please fill our broken hearts with You
So that we will not feel ashamed any longer.
Please fill the empty space inside us
So that we will not long for that which You would call an idol
Please Lord, reach out and touch the unlovable, the unloved, the rejected
Please Lord of all Heaven and Earth, cause Your Spirit to pour out on the broken hearted
Lord, our lives are broken and our spirits are crushed, and we hope in You
But please Lord, hurry
Please Lord, go where the broken lay and heal them
Please Lord, go there, into those lonely rooms, into those crowded spaces and pour out Your Love into those empty hearts.
Please Lord, reveal Who You Are
Please Lord, we wander in desert wastelands, finding nowhere to settle
We are hungry and thirsty and our lives are ebbing away
Please deliver us from our distress and lead us to You, our settling place
Lord, many have rebelled and rejected Your Love
But Lord, I pray, forgive them, have mercy Lord for Your Names Sake
And woo them unto Yourself
Bring them out of darkness and save them from their chains
Cause them to cry out to You Lord, in their times of trouble
Send forth Your Word and Heal them
Lift the needy out of their affliction
Let us heed You
And consider Your Great Love
That Your Glorious Name
Be Praised.

Amen

Blessed...

It always amazes me - how suddenly I notice I am blessed.

I don't mean it to happen.  I'm not looking around to see if I am blessed or not.  Just quite suddenly - out of the blue - there comes a sweet jolt in me - and I almost cry - because I can't quite grasp the amazing beauty of being blessed.

When nothing 'new' has happened.  Nothing miraculous has occurred.  Nothing else has happened upon my day.  No call has come.  No whispers of love.  No promise awaits.  But all that is promised me is here.

And that's what can drive me to tears.

How can that be?

And all I can think - He is good.

And I realise - I am glad that I am His.

Unanswered Prayer

 I have been thinking about God and prayer and how much He answers prayer.  Any prayer.  All prayers.  Every prayer.  He answers.  

But so many times I am so unsure.  And it seems that prayers have gone unanswered.  Not only my prayers, but prayers of others, prayers for myself, prayers for others, or just prayers that I've prayed because it's the thing that Christians are supposed to do.  Not only because it's part of being a Christian, but because you are a Christian, because you have heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ and accepted it, by faith, as true, because you have in some intimate way, experienced the power and knowledge of God in a deep and profound way, so much so, that there is definitely no other explanation - but the ultimate presence of Almighty God (of the bible), that you pray.  That you lift your voice and you pray and ask God to remedy the situation or circumstance that is before you.

And nothing.

What I mean by nothing - is nothing.

And all Christians experience this.  All Christians, the world over, experience the silence that has followed deep earnest prayer.  But you don't think about that! Not while 'YOU' are the one sitting in terrible circumstances, or sitting there waiting for God's salvation to come to your loved ones, or sitting there waiting for God to avenge your enemies or the enemies of your loved ones.  And the silence is almost threatening.  And always, ALWAYS - EVERY TIME - you forget any time, any other time, that God has answered your prayer.

And the most amazing thing is - that during those times of silence - of 'unanswered' prayer - I never once think it's because God isn't real.  If any doubt enters my mind - it is always - the doubt that God loves me.  The doubt that my circumstances are of no concern to an Almighty God.  The doubt that I, have in some way, sinned against Holy God and that He no longer cares for me.  The doubt that I am even 'saved' - acceptable - to Holy God.  And I attempt to 'ingratiate' myself back into God's good books.

Isn't that amazing.  It's amazing because what I totally forget to remember - is that my acceptance by God has absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever, or for that matter, any good I have ever done or will ever do.  My acceptance by Almighty God is through my faith, my acceptance, that Jesus Christ died on the Cross to atone for my sins and that when God accepts me, He accepts me through Jesus Christ.  And that's it!

So I have unanswered prayer in front of me and I have God who accepts me because of Jesus Christ. So - what's going wrong?

And that's when it dawns on me.

Like most things in this life - I have come to believe that you only get what you deserve.  And that for everything - there is a formula - a one, two, three step formula to get answered prayer.  And that just isn't true!

God does not work like that.  Not that I claim to know exactly how He does work - I totally do know that He does not work like that.  He is God.  He is I Am.  The Pharisees work like that.  But God does not.

So, unanswered prayer?  What does that mean?  Well, I've been told a few things - One, He answers prayer and says Yes.  Two, He answers prayer and says No.  Three, He answers prayer in silence and says Wait.  Or Four, He answers prayer but you can't accept His answer.

And that all sounds reasonable.

But, what I've come to see in the bible is this.  God answers all prayer.  Every prayer.  Every call to God is answered.  And the thing I see in the bible - what I fail to see in front of me - is that His answer to prayer is Him.  He is the answer.

He is the answer to all our prayers.

I've just been caught up in the question!

one bike

I've just been sitting outside on this beautiful sunny peaceful day.  It's just an awesome feeling just sitting there listening, looking at a front lawn, that needs mowing again, imagining family lolling about, a tent here, a tent there.  Hearing children giggling and laughing as they walk up the road, and finally into view, with towels hung over their arms.  And there is just this inner delight at watching them.  So unbothered by all the material desires that await them.  So unbothered by what they are wearing, unbothered by their straggly damp hair, unbothered that only one has a bike to ride on and that the rest of them have to walk.  Just so unbothered.  Just simply receiving.  And going with it.  Receiving the joy of a lake to swim in, on this warm spring day.  Receiving the simple task of walking down the road to the water.  And I remember days like that.  Days lying underneath a grapevine and just eating grapes.  Climbing plum trees, and gorging myself on plums.  Playing hide and seek.  And I am so glad to see days like this still exist.  That there are children who have little enough, that they will just receive the goodness of a nice spring day, a beautiful lake, a few friends, a couple of towels, and one bike.  

And I don't know, but I think that's what it's really all about, sometimes.  That crazy manic desire to get back to those days.  That crazy manic drive that continually gnaws away out us, that we need more, we need more, we need more, or we're never going to make it back there.  We're never going to make it back if we don't hurry up and get enough stuff.

And the whole while, we are run ragged, we are stressed and chaotic.  We are screaming at our children to hurry up.  We are screaming at each other to move out of the way.  We are yelling at others to catch up.  We are crying folks down, we are splitting hairs, we are frantically creating and selling more of what we don't need, to help others get back to those days - those days of less.

Those days of nothing much to hold, but with the childlike innocence of holding out our little hands and receiving.  And you were meant to say thank you - but sometimes you were just smiling so much that you forgot - and it really didn't matter - not really - because as God would have it - you'd have another day, just like today, tomorrow. 

And if it wasn't.  It wasn't.  And no one got too bothered about it.  You would just end up inside, (if you were allowed) - fighting and arguing about who was going to ride the bike as soon as you could get outside.

I am evil.

It is quite a beautiful day, the day, you see, that you are evil. 

And/but the Lord is good.

Did you ever get that?

Well, I never did.  Not until today. 

And many who know me will say - you are not evil.
In fact, I would have said that myself.  In my very heart of hearts, I truelly believed I was not evil. But I am.  

How did I discover that I was evil?

I looked about my new home today.  The sun is out, finally.  The lawns are mowed.  I mowed my lawns the other sunny day that arrived this month.  I looked at my new roses to see if they were blooming yet, or even hinting at blooming.  I smelled the beautiful orange smell of the other flowers I have bought and planted.  I took my hanging baskets and put them out on the lawn to enjoy the sun.  I laundered my clothes and hung them out on the line.  I made my bed, perfectly, as I do, opened the curtains and let the sun beam in it's joy.  I opened the windows through the house and felt the freshness of the air slowly drift into my home.  I vacuumed around the fireplace and sucked up all the little bits and pieces of broken wood scattered on the carpet.  I cleaned the two dishes and one cup, sitting in the sink, dried them, put them in the cupboard and buffed the sink dry.  I took a cloth and wiped down all the little delightful dishes and ornaments I have about my home, and fluffed the artificial beautifully white chrysanthemums that proudly sit in a jug, on a beautiful white, fruit embossed, italian platter, on the dining table.  I stood back and looked about this little cottage, this little dwelling that I live in with my cat, who is almost blind - and quite suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt sad.  I felt really really sad.  

Who am I to have this?  Who am I to enjoy this?  This delightful little cottage, in a street where there is evidence of brokenness and lack, of sadness and settling, of hope and desperation.  Who am I to be here, to be standing here, in this place, knowing that God is so merciful, so graceful, so loving and so good, that no matter how many times I turned my back on Him, no matter how many times I shunned His word, no matter how many days I cursed the day I was born, no matter how many times I did not mention His name, nor offer His hand, no matter how many times I hated others, no matter how many times I worried my children frantically running around the countryside desperately searching for love - He did not fail me.  He did not fail me.  When everyone else has, will and did.  He did not fail me.  Why?

Because He is Good.

And that is how I know that I am evil.

And it is because of this that I realise that there is nothing I can do, or will ever do, that will gain me favour with God.  And the longing to do this, to find favour with God, has paralysed my faith in Him, many a day and it has battered my trust in Him, many a lonely night - and I couldn't see or I refused to lay down my own perfect holiness - and see His Goodness.

I could say, I don't know why I am so blessed, but that wouldn't be true.

I am blessed of God, because He looks at me and sees the Righteousness of Christ.

And that is all.