His Presence...

Oh how amazing He is.

I woke up this morning so completely sure that I wasn't going to go to church.  I just had no good reason to go.  And as I sat outside, drinking my coffee and having a cigarette, terrible thoughts of loneliness and broken heartedness, and worthlessness, and rejection, and foolishness, and purposelessness started swarming around my mind.  I felt awful.  But I knew that these thoughts had nothing to do with not going to church.  Not really.

I knew that my going to church this morning would be for one reason - to alleviate these feelings.  And that just wasn't a good enough reason to go into the house of the Lord.  Not for me anyway.  My heart had a secret desire to go into the assembly of God - not to worship Him - but to worship itself, myself.  And that's the truth and I knew it.  I rolled my thoughts forward - to the leaving church and coming home - and I could see that what I was trying to do was run and hide from my broken heart, from my isolation and fill the void with people - not with God.

I realised I had to pray.  I had to ask God to fill this space.  To come into this broken heart and fill it entirely. I had to expose my pain - to open the valve that I fear could not be shut off - to open it up before God - and ask Him to heal me.  And as much as I doubted that He could heal me - I knew that nothing else could - no people - no church - no husband - no lover - no clothes - no house - no car - no phone call - no amount of money - could heal me from my pain.

So I prayed. http://thelordsservantdiary.blogspot.co.nz/2013/10/my-prayer.html

And then I opened one of the many sermons I've downloaded and began to listen.

And the sermon was Lauren Chandler talking on Steadfast Love.  And at the very beginning, the very first sound I heard - was Lauren Chandler crying.  And I knew why she was crying.  Her heart was broken.

A few years ago, Lauren's husband, Matt Chandler, was diagnosed with a form of brain cancer and has undergone surgery and a number of medical interventions to try and halt or even eradicate his cancer, and save his life.  (Matt Chandler is leading Pastor for The Village Church and they are wonderful.  If you go to The Village Church you will find amazing sermons that you can download for free and lots of amazing encouragement in your walk as a Christian).

So, I could hear Lauren crying and I just couldn't stand it.  I just couldn't stand the thought of sitting here listening to her, not because I didn't empathise with her pain, but because in my selfish heart was the knowing that Matt Chandler, her husband, is still with her and mine wasn't.

And I realised I wasn't done praying.  The broken heartedness inside of me was deep.  It was responsible for my bitterness, for my failing empathy, for my stubbornness and for my rebellion against God.  And that is not easy for me to swallow.  But it's true. And all I could pray, was - God, heal me.

And when I was done praying, I realised I would have to face whatever it was that I needed to face and take courage and listen to Lauren talk on Steadfast Love.  And there it was!

He had answered my prayer.  I had a sermon on His Steadfast Love.

His STEADFAST Love.
stead·fast also sted·fast (st d f st , -f st). adj. 1. Fixed or unchanging; steady. 2. Firmly loyal or constant; unswerving. 

His Love is Steadfast - fixed, unchanging, steady, firmly loyal, constant, unswerving.  And my broken heartedness could not separate me from Him.

He is present.