I am evil.

It is quite a beautiful day, the day, you see, that you are evil. 

And/but the Lord is good.

Did you ever get that?

Well, I never did.  Not until today. 

And many who know me will say - you are not evil.
In fact, I would have said that myself.  In my very heart of hearts, I truelly believed I was not evil. But I am.  

How did I discover that I was evil?

I looked about my new home today.  The sun is out, finally.  The lawns are mowed.  I mowed my lawns the other sunny day that arrived this month.  I looked at my new roses to see if they were blooming yet, or even hinting at blooming.  I smelled the beautiful orange smell of the other flowers I have bought and planted.  I took my hanging baskets and put them out on the lawn to enjoy the sun.  I laundered my clothes and hung them out on the line.  I made my bed, perfectly, as I do, opened the curtains and let the sun beam in it's joy.  I opened the windows through the house and felt the freshness of the air slowly drift into my home.  I vacuumed around the fireplace and sucked up all the little bits and pieces of broken wood scattered on the carpet.  I cleaned the two dishes and one cup, sitting in the sink, dried them, put them in the cupboard and buffed the sink dry.  I took a cloth and wiped down all the little delightful dishes and ornaments I have about my home, and fluffed the artificial beautifully white chrysanthemums that proudly sit in a jug, on a beautiful white, fruit embossed, italian platter, on the dining table.  I stood back and looked about this little cottage, this little dwelling that I live in with my cat, who is almost blind - and quite suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt sad.  I felt really really sad.  

Who am I to have this?  Who am I to enjoy this?  This delightful little cottage, in a street where there is evidence of brokenness and lack, of sadness and settling, of hope and desperation.  Who am I to be here, to be standing here, in this place, knowing that God is so merciful, so graceful, so loving and so good, that no matter how many times I turned my back on Him, no matter how many times I shunned His word, no matter how many days I cursed the day I was born, no matter how many times I did not mention His name, nor offer His hand, no matter how many times I hated others, no matter how many times I worried my children frantically running around the countryside desperately searching for love - He did not fail me.  He did not fail me.  When everyone else has, will and did.  He did not fail me.  Why?

Because He is Good.

And that is how I know that I am evil.

And it is because of this that I realise that there is nothing I can do, or will ever do, that will gain me favour with God.  And the longing to do this, to find favour with God, has paralysed my faith in Him, many a day and it has battered my trust in Him, many a lonely night - and I couldn't see or I refused to lay down my own perfect holiness - and see His Goodness.

I could say, I don't know why I am so blessed, but that wouldn't be true.

I am blessed of God, because He looks at me and sees the Righteousness of Christ.

And that is all.