broken on the rock

the sun is warm again.  


i am thinking of 'right' God and 'wrong' God.  i don't know which is which.  i have enjoyed and been most hopeful when i have considered what has been said of being made complete, lacking nothing, once acceptance of Christ as one's Saviour is complete within one's heart.  i have been most hopeful when i have received word that His death has freed me from all things, ALL things, evil and harmful to myself.  i have been most hopeful when i have received word of His double-fold return of all things stolen by evil.  i have been most hopeful when i have received word of prosperity, health, riches and glory and promises made of beauty for ashes and mending of brokenheartedness, freedom from captivity, two-fold recompense instead of shame, that my heart shall thrill and tremble with joy.  this speaks through all things known to man and grabs my heart and allows me to consider that He knows my pain.  i am fully hopeful that His love for me is this wonderful.  this is recorded as His love for those who turn back to Him with honest repentance and honour His place as Lord.  (i write only from my own experiences. not to inform, reform, or misinform or to dally about what i may have right or wrong.  i write.)


so this is it.  i consider this truth.  i look in the mirror daily and i see the life being sucked out of me and i remember nothing more than being and having been the brunt of evil.  i have inner scars of terrible abuse and shame unimaginable.  i have outer scars and broken bones.  i have pain daily as my body fights to adjust to the cold, the heat or the fight for survival.  i am mind weary of getting up and fighting to see a hope for more for me.  i have deep pain in my heart to have had to go without the only man who truelly loved me.  i have daily battles to consider His love for me as i see the results of evil upon myself that i can't begin to talk about.  i see evil upon myself.  it is in my face, my skin, my bones and it battles for my mind.  i am out of strength.  


i cry out to Him.  this is not my evil.  this has been put upon me.  his sexual depravity was his and somehow it has become my shame.  the ugliness of pride and hatred were hers and she found peace in putting it upon me.  my presence revealed ugly hearts, lies and destruction so they spat on me and put me out.  i could not bow to mammon, so they ridiculed me and took what they could.  i cannot idolize the distractions so common so i am made a fool and cast out.  


i have tried to save myself.  to close my mind off and join with self gratification to ease my pain.  to be fitted among men and be counted as brother.  to gather to myself idols of prosperity and blessedness. to ingratiate myself to those who might better me.  i finally let go.  i try to accept my lot.  i am rejected by the world.  i am rejected by His people.  


there is no worth in me.  but to ask Him to allow me to be of service to Him.  to wash me clean Himself as others fail to come forward and wash me.  i am but filthy rags.  


so this i am left with.  if i see no promise manifest, does He reject me?  if i see no manifestation of His love for me do i doubt the words of others and struggle on trusting Him.  do i go and ask Him again.  Lord use me.  strengthen me.  befriend me.  wash me.   


i shall count it joy as i am tested more than others.  i shall count it joy that i have seen and felt evil more than others.  i shall count it joy that my self-serving has come to nothing.  i shall count it joy that He trusts me to suffer and feel His heart towards those who have hurt and do hurt.  i shall count it joy when He turns His face from me.  i shall count it joy that His thoughts are not my thoughts, that His ways are not my ways.  these are my thoughts.  


the sun is still warm.  upon evil and good alike.