friday

it's amazing how a little sunshine on an otherwise cold morning can lift your spirits.  i sat outside this morning, having a cigarette, (a 'lover' i pray God will totally demolish before my eyes as He has, other 'lovers', who have sought to come between me and Him) and reading the last chapter of 'the four loves' by c.s.lewis.  his writing resonates in me.


resonates: produce or be filled with a deep, full, reverberating sound.


i include the definition of resonate to fully explain how lost i am to everything else while i am reading his words.  it is only while taking a break, to make a coffee or to let the cat in or out, that i notice the silence of my home.  i have been in conversation with this man and myself and my God, as c.s.lewis himself tends to do while writing.  it seems almost glorious.


as i sat outside enjoying a little sunshine on an otherwise cold morning, smoking a cigarette and absorbing the last of 'the four loves', a bee flew out of the air and 'plonked' dab into the centre of the ashtray. it fell 'plonk' out of the air.  just fell.  plonk.  a honey bee.  absolutely amused me.  i saw that his wee legs were laden, totally laden with pollen.  large dots of yellow pollen that almost swamped the poor honey bee.  i realised aha...the plonk.  with shake of his legs and a minute of respite he was off to continue his journey home. 


the lessons of the birds and the bees are never lost on me.


'the four loves' unties my tangled mess of longing for lost love, of God, of love, of God's love, i sense the Holy Spirit and His personal reworking of half-truths and semi-truths and the dismantling of me and thoughts i have held as holy.  i see the burden of what i have believed, or held to be true, is false and the carrying of such for so long has landed me plonk, in the centre of an ashtray.