the sun is warm. old fashionably warm. quietly, lazily warm. i'm thinking about my life. a life. a life i've lived fearfully. ducking and diving and doing what i can to miss the next bomb. it has been a difficult story to tell. mostly unloved and worth not more than i deserved as far as i can tell.
i've contemplated deserving more. and some days i have near bust a valve fighting for it. in the back of my mind a rat has gnawed at hope for as long as i can remember. ( oh rats, you poor things, why must i use you as the villian of me rather than a cat? i have given my cat a personality very similar to mine so of course, she is innocent of such behaviour as that.)
i often wondered if they wished me dead. was i locked in rooms to die. put away. shame upon shame that i should stay in the room and remind him of his guilt. was i ever a child. a child's face flashes into focus. i wish some days that i had been that child. flashed across the screen so everyone was made aware that i needed help. but i wasn't. i am not that child. help was not an option.
i sit and wait for help to come. it doesn't. not help. he is gone and another comes to take his place. to hold the vigil in case i escape and be free. i dare say it must be humourous to watch me fight. to consider being free.
but i am free. i have found a loophole. there is an escape hatch they haven't considered. and i am gone.
now the vigil is mine. i am older. and this lazy warm quiet sun reminds me that things are being renewed. i am going through the tunnel once more for the last time. not to address the evil as i have been led to do so many times before. but to encounter the beauty of me i left behind.
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