He is my Lord...

oh yes...
Jesus Christ is my Lord.


i am in the process of being led to and through repentance...
through renouncing curses that have had free reign to operate within my life... (no more)
things attached to me... by my doing...
by generations before me...
through unforgiveness....
through judgements i have made....
through all things which, though, invisible to me...
keep me and mine from His glorious blood bought freedom...
wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, is His grace, upon me...


i was sitting at my computer the other morning, with my coffee, patiently waiting for 'my' game to load up (or down, or whatever it does) and as i sat here, i felt a nudge from Holy Spirit...
just a small nudge...
this game is unholy...


the game finished loading and i thought...
is this You Lord...
(i wasn't confused.  i knew He was speaking.  i was just concerned that i may have been having an 'unholy stuff' overload.)
as i began to play... 
i prayed...
Lord 
if this is You speaking
if this game is unholy
then i trust you
to shut it down
thank You Jesus
as i learn to trust You
in every thing in my life!


two more minutes into playing - 
my computer 'clicked' -
WINDOWS IS SHUTTING DOWN flipped onto my screen -
and my computer whirred to its normal, shutting down, mode -
and clicked off.  Done.  Off.


Woah!  I mean it!  Woah!  


(i was just so overcome with awe)


Amen.  So be it.  It is done.  Off!


i switched the computer off at the wall and thought i may as well get on with Holy stuff -
make my bed -
do dishes -
have a shower -
do the washing -
and to be honest - that stuff became Holy because my spirit was so full of joy of Him and His love for me - that is awesome love
i put on a worship cd and praised Him like i never have before


two hours later... 
i switched my computer back on and watched warily as it stirred to life...
waiting for the possibility of the 'Windows was not shut-down properly.  Please wait while all systems are checked.  Would you like to restore pages you were working on?" prompts to come up -
which always happens if, obviously, windows is not shut-down correctly.
nothing.
it just started up normally.


Yup, my Lord had shut my computer down in answer to prayer.


Awesome Lord, awesome!

a fool...

would i be a fool... for God?


a year ago
i believed i received a 'vision' of who God had made me to be
and i set myself the task to accomplish this - for Him
i buckled myself into the seat of faith and with fear and trembling
i applied for a loan from my bank - something i absolutely promised myself i would never do, for if there is one thing i hated, it was being in debt -
but
i had buckled myself into the seat of faith - 
believing that if a loan was granted -
then His Will was in play.


it was granted.  i used the money to do the things that needed to be done about my home and then put it on the market -
my faith and belief were so strong that i also sold all my furniture - including my fridge and everything i believed i had no need of anymore -
all i kept were the things i 'loved' - my king size wrought iron bed and an outdoor furniture set my son had bought me the previous christmas -


everything i was keeping, was boxed up and sent to storage - emptying the home of everything - bar the odd essential i needed day to day and a pillow, two blankets and a few floor cushions, which i made up into a bed each night, while i waited for God to do His part and bring a buyer for the house -


a year on -
i am paying off the loan -
the house has not sold -
and i have had to purchase what little i can afford -
in the way of furniture -
unbox the belongings i kept -
and try to make sense of what the heck happened -


i never once came to the conclusion there is no God -
as i sat outside, one day -
feeling totally destroyed, worthless and a fool -
my only conclusion was -
He is God -
and i didn't mean a thing to Him.


that was my conclusion -
and if i didn't mean a thing to Him
then there is no purpose in my living -


i didn't have enough 'faith' to keep it up -
i didn't have enough 'faith' to trust His plan for me -
i didn't have enough 'faith' to take one more step toward Him -
i didn't have enough 'faith' to go another day -


i went against everything i believed and went to a doctor and told her -
i can't do it -
i've had enough -
she kicked into action -
prescribed 'happy' pills -
gave me a medical certificate to excuse me from working -
and set about pushing papers to get me help -


i didn't take the pills - why?
maybe i did have some faith left after all?
though it felt like my mind was crumbling
that i was being undone from the inside out
and just to take a breath was beyond me -
i knew
that that minutest tiniest scrap or crumb of whatever it was in me
that had grabbed me of that step to push me to go get help
for whatever reason -
i had to hold on to it -
and to do that i had to keep what little i had of my 'sane' mind -
awake
to take a 'pill' to keep me happy was definitely not the solution
for me - and i'm only talking about me 
because in my heart of hearts i knew to an extent what i was dealing with -
i was looking in the face of the possibility that God, in all His Glory, had abandoned me,
once and for all
and the overwhelming feeling - for me -
was pure abandonment in it's absolute
and there was
no other 
no alternative
no secret
no formula


for the first time ever -
i found the courage to read Job
and i honestly sat with Job day after day


i was sent to a counsellor
to talk about the sexual abuse i had endured as a child
she told me she couldn't help me...
now that was worth a laugh...
so she organised for me to join a group of people, once a week for six weeks
to learn how to think positive...
as if...


now regardless of the successes people may have had with this train of thought -
it's bullshit -
yep i said it -
it's bullshit -
why?
because to think positively about oneself on a continuum...
you would have to, without one iota of doubt...
believe that all that you are, all that you think, all that you do, all that you want, all that you desire, all that you plan, all that you dream, and all that you have ever done or have had done to you has all come from you and what you have thought...
and that is bullocks...
that i know for a fact...
so - as i have done for a great amount of my life -
i played the game -
and waited patiently for God
the God who i believed had abandoned me -
to show up and tell me what was going on


so - that was my road to recovery
believe it or not -
my road to recovery (if i can call it that)
was waiting on God -


and as another day would dawn
and no new thing had occurred
and no 'miracle' had appeared
and no voice from heaven had spoken


i was left to contemplate
and consider for myself what possibly had gone wrong
and in the midst - i slowly, very slowly- began to see that His silence wasn't personal
and that possibly
He hadn't abandoned me at all
maybe my 'vision' hadn't been Godly -
maybe my wants and desires had stepped upon the lordship seat of my life?
maybe that's what i had buckled myself into?


what i came to consider is this -
maybe all of the above was correct and i was in the midst of a rude awakening
He is God - (He can do what He wants, with or without my approval)
He doesn't have to explain Himself to me
i am allowed to express my doubt (if only to open my door to communicating with Him again)
He knows what He is doing
He, and only He, not one iota of anything else - is my provision - absolute - done!
He enrolls me as His servant knowing full well my failures past present and future
He knows how i will act, react and try to act to get Him to respond to me and He won't be moved


but the most amazing thing i have realised this very day - 


He was keen to see if i would -


be a fool for Him!


and that has been the hardest lesson of my life
because i had no idea how unwilling i was - 
to actually publicly be
a fool!


i believe the 'vision' i received a year ago 
was definitely Godly -
what i wasn't aware of was -
why -


so i may have it wrong -
i may have it right -
i may just be appeasing myself -
or i may just be getting to know -
Him
a little better.

he sits on air...

while i was outside yesterday...


just watching from my deck, looking over the earth before me, i saw a hawk, (or an eagle, or a falcon, an eagle-like bird anyway) circling above, wings spread and head bowed... just circling, effortlessly...


it reminded me of something i have read somewhere.... how the eagle, rather than go into battle and fight, will fly higher and higher, outdoing it's opponent, with height...


but as i watched this bird, i realised that it wasn't flying, moving it's wings as such, but just 'sitting' on air and it was being raised higher and higher with each circle it made...


just going up, higher and higher, silently, effortlessly... round and round... up and up... until it became for me... a speck in the sky, way up high...


and it made me think how trusting he was, up there in the sky... no thought of anything... but just circling in the air, head bowed.... and being raised higher and higher...


invisible to my own eyes, he was being lifted...


and such may be my own life.

is this the Cross?

i've just been thinking about it.
loving that thing.
i'm frightened to love that thing.
i keep thinking that if i love that thing and it goes then i will feel bad.  i loved my husband.  he was killed in a car accident and i felt so bad.  i didn't get over it.  of course i didn't get over it.  it's ridiculous to think of getting over it.  i married him because i wanted to spend my mornings, my days, my evenings, my nights, my sleeping and my waking, alongside him.  it's common.  it's what a lot of people want to do.   i knew who i didn't love and who i didn't want.  and i spent enough time with this man to find him not only woah, handsome, but lovely and interesting and kind, and funny and quirky enough and contemplative enough of tomorrow while seriously getting on with it today and he loved me honestly, not like, woah - i'll have me some of that, just honestly like, woah - very nice, and woah - there's more, and woah - what's that, and woah - that's funny... just honestly like that.  but he was killed in a car accident.


i don't know if that's why or when i got frightened to love anything.  i don't think so.  i mean, you don't just stop loving just because that person is dead and you're never going to see them again.  they haven't left you with a reason to stop loving them - like being bashed, or them having mucked around over and over again, or being abusive, or being a bad parent to the children, or working, or anything like that.  they've just died.  so, of course, love continues.  


but it has no object.  does it?  can you love and not have it returned?  i suppose there are definite perfect answers to those questions.  answers psychologists and the like have 'realised' and have made 'set in stone.  but those things don't really mean anything, not really, unless they have 'been' there and experienced it as 'i' have, then all they are doing is 'supposing' - in my book anyway.  


see, i still miss him.  missing someone does bring sad lonely feelings, even if that person isn't dead, but when you have to tell yourself that you have to move from your very sad place because the person you miss, will not be coming back and unless you are prepared to die too, then love must continue but just differently - if only so that you can get on with it.


because there is a child.  and a child deserves to have at least one person who will love them, no matter what.  no matter what.  no matter how much pain, sadness, loss or loneliness might exist in that persons heart.  no matter how much doubt exists in that persons mind.  no matter how much heartache that person will live with at going the rest of the journey alone.  a child deserves, just by right of birth, to have at least, at the very least, one person who will go to battle for his right to experience his life as a 'purposed by God' human being, regardless of his beginnings. 


so you fill in the gaps.  'imagined' gaps.  real tangible gaps.  past gaps.  present gaps.  future gaps.  and filling in those gaps is the part that starts to consume every choice you make.  for those choices have to be made with the focus and purpose of being the very best for the child.    and you get to anchor yourself to that purpose to get you going on.


and as time moves on and you get the benefit of hindsight, you do get to see what you did right and what you did wrong.  but you have before you a man now who has been 'fathered' by the most High and you are perfectly grateful for His word on this matter and for your faith.


and this story is no different to another story.  except that it is personal.  it is my story.  they cannot cover my own story.  research it and come up with solid 'conditions' that will cover the experience as a common ground which they can put a name on and hand out medication which will help blur the true personal experience.  or send me off to a group session to 'learn' the 'think good-get good' secret of happiness.  if it were true, we would all be on our way to glory.


i have come to the conclusion that there is only one true thing to learn.  He interceded for us. and He asks us to do the same.  of this, i am sure.  there is evil in this world.  no pill, no secret can undo truth.  if i do not watch the news because of all the hate i see in it, does that mean it does not exist?  it exists.  He said it exists.  He came because it exists.  


have i done His will.  have i interceded or have i stood in the place of, instead of, rather than and taken the hit, the pain, the loss, the ugliness, the bash, the hatred, the scorn, the ridicule, the rejection, the lonelinss, and the heartache which may have been heading for another?


if so, is this the Cross?

wednesday

is blogging
exhibitionism?


at night
sometimes
i sit outside and look inside my home


and i love it


and i feel more love for my 'stuff'
from being outside
looking through the glass
than i do
being inside 


it's like it's beauty is lost


but i don't feel the same way
when i am inside
looking out
at the world


outside is the world
and the world
doesn't seem
so large

friday

another day.  His grace, His mercy.


it is all to His glory.
it is all His will.


i have willed other than His will.  and maybe while i am in this body and trying in my way to convince Him of my 'need' for this and my 'need' for that, He is patient with me to see His will in my life in amongst my 'needs' or above my 'needs' or instead of my 'needs' or sovereign to my 'needs'.  yes, He is most patient with me.  and i see the cross.  which saves me from His wrath.  His Son has borne the judgement due me.  judgement which most assuredly is mine.  


i remember a time when i was a teenager.  i arrived home one evening to find my younger brother and a friend had taken dad's work van out for a joy ride and were now struggling to back the van in to the exact place my father had parked it so as not to be found out.  they couldn't do it.  i feared what would be my brother's 'deserved judgement' from dad if he ever found out, so i said i would park the van for them.  just as i was climbing into the van, to park it where it should be, my father came home.  i remember his face.  he was livid.  he was aghast.  he looked at me and at my brother, who had guilt and fear written all over his face while searching my face as to what i was going to say.  i give my dad credit for calmly asking me what i was doing.  i took the fall.  i said i took the van out just to see if i could drive it and i couldn't park it properly so i was just going to try again.  he was angry but i could see hurt in his eyes more than anger.  he didn't really say much except to say something like, i had no right and told my brother to get inside and walked passed me without another word.  judgement had been passed. on me.  


i see Jesus and i see the Cross and i understand fully.


my brother carried on that day and days after that day free.  free of dad's judgement, which would have been a sore penalty.  he even reveled in his freedom. rolled in it as a pig in muck even telling my other brothers (i had five in all) how dad had caught me driving the van.  dad did not speak to me for a long time.  i wanted to tell him, just for his sake, that it wasn't me, but i couldn't.  the penalty on my brother would have been too severe.  i kept quiet.  


i wish i had recognised the 'cross' then and had carried it with me since.  i didn't.  i was just trying to save my brother.  i wish i had understood what He was asking of me sooner and realised my failure to do so just about every day before that day and since.


i wish it hadn't taken me my own experience to see His loving kindness to me and everyone to my left, to my right, to my front, to my back, above me, below me.


my brother owes me nothing.
i owe my brother and his kin everything.
Christ has done no less.
He took the fall for me.

broken on the rock

the sun is warm again.  


i am thinking of 'right' God and 'wrong' God.  i don't know which is which.  i have enjoyed and been most hopeful when i have considered what has been said of being made complete, lacking nothing, once acceptance of Christ as one's Saviour is complete within one's heart.  i have been most hopeful when i have received word that His death has freed me from all things, ALL things, evil and harmful to myself.  i have been most hopeful when i have received word of His double-fold return of all things stolen by evil.  i have been most hopeful when i have received word of prosperity, health, riches and glory and promises made of beauty for ashes and mending of brokenheartedness, freedom from captivity, two-fold recompense instead of shame, that my heart shall thrill and tremble with joy.  this speaks through all things known to man and grabs my heart and allows me to consider that He knows my pain.  i am fully hopeful that His love for me is this wonderful.  this is recorded as His love for those who turn back to Him with honest repentance and honour His place as Lord.  (i write only from my own experiences. not to inform, reform, or misinform or to dally about what i may have right or wrong.  i write.)


so this is it.  i consider this truth.  i look in the mirror daily and i see the life being sucked out of me and i remember nothing more than being and having been the brunt of evil.  i have inner scars of terrible abuse and shame unimaginable.  i have outer scars and broken bones.  i have pain daily as my body fights to adjust to the cold, the heat or the fight for survival.  i am mind weary of getting up and fighting to see a hope for more for me.  i have deep pain in my heart to have had to go without the only man who truelly loved me.  i have daily battles to consider His love for me as i see the results of evil upon myself that i can't begin to talk about.  i see evil upon myself.  it is in my face, my skin, my bones and it battles for my mind.  i am out of strength.  


i cry out to Him.  this is not my evil.  this has been put upon me.  his sexual depravity was his and somehow it has become my shame.  the ugliness of pride and hatred were hers and she found peace in putting it upon me.  my presence revealed ugly hearts, lies and destruction so they spat on me and put me out.  i could not bow to mammon, so they ridiculed me and took what they could.  i cannot idolize the distractions so common so i am made a fool and cast out.  


i have tried to save myself.  to close my mind off and join with self gratification to ease my pain.  to be fitted among men and be counted as brother.  to gather to myself idols of prosperity and blessedness. to ingratiate myself to those who might better me.  i finally let go.  i try to accept my lot.  i am rejected by the world.  i am rejected by His people.  


there is no worth in me.  but to ask Him to allow me to be of service to Him.  to wash me clean Himself as others fail to come forward and wash me.  i am but filthy rags.  


so this i am left with.  if i see no promise manifest, does He reject me?  if i see no manifestation of His love for me do i doubt the words of others and struggle on trusting Him.  do i go and ask Him again.  Lord use me.  strengthen me.  befriend me.  wash me.   


i shall count it joy as i am tested more than others.  i shall count it joy that i have seen and felt evil more than others.  i shall count it joy that my self-serving has come to nothing.  i shall count it joy that He trusts me to suffer and feel His heart towards those who have hurt and do hurt.  i shall count it joy when He turns His face from me.  i shall count it joy that His thoughts are not my thoughts, that His ways are not my ways.  these are my thoughts.  


the sun is still warm.  upon evil and good alike.   

a little distance

the sun is warm. old fashionably warm.  quietly, lazily warm.  i'm thinking about my life. a life.  a life i've lived fearfully.  ducking and diving and doing what i can to miss the next bomb.  it has been a difficult story to tell.  mostly unloved and worth not more than i deserved as far as i can tell.  


i've contemplated deserving more.  and some days i have near bust a valve fighting for it.  in the back of my mind a rat has gnawed at hope for as long as i can remember. ( oh rats, you poor things, why must i use you as the villian of me rather than a cat?  i have given my cat a personality very similar to mine so of course, she is innocent of such behaviour as that.)


i often wondered if they wished me dead.  was i locked in rooms to die.  put away.  shame upon shame that i should stay in the room and remind him of his guilt.  was i ever a child.  a child's face flashes into focus.  i wish some days that i had been that child.  flashed across the screen so everyone was made aware that i needed help.  but i wasn't.  i am not that child.  help was not an option.  


i sit and wait for help to come.  it doesn't.  not help. he is gone and another comes to take his place.  to hold the vigil in case i escape and be free.  i dare say it must be humourous to watch me fight.  to consider being free.  


but i am free.  i have found a loophole.  there is an escape hatch they haven't considered.  and i  am gone.  


now the vigil is mine.  i am older.  and this lazy warm quiet sun reminds me that things are being renewed.  i am going through the tunnel once more for the last time.  not to address the evil as i have been led to do so many times before.  but to encounter the beauty of me i left behind.   

monday

if you ever the desire to read the complete works of c.s.lewis - disregard it as you would the desire for a swim in the ocean on a beautiful winter day.  


i have spent quite a bit of time to-ing and fro-ing to and from my computer to find the definitions of so many words so that i am able to keep up with mr lewis and his command of not only english, but latin, greek, and so on, and his amazingly well read mind, that i am dithering.  he is not being a clever dick.  he is so likable, so human and honest.  he needs the words and uses so many to allow us to read what he has to say without actually saying it,  so that, i fear, only the most dedicated of readers would persevere.  and, he does change how i write, or how i think about what i'm going to write anyway.  he says much.  and it is worth pondering.  as writers of old are. 


if there is something i know about me, it is this.  i did not learn to do what i do.  i just do it.  the only instruction i had was learning to put the 26 letters of the alphabet into the appropriate order in which i could then put down on paper anything i wanted to say.  i don't know if it's writing as such as i would say i am a writer.  i write.  


so monday is this.  i discover that nowadays i am flummoxed with too many words.  i am impatient with myself and most patient with mr lewis.  i see how he says things.  and i am delighted to know i say things differently.  in the past, i have been scared off by writers such as mr lewis.  they are masters.  so this is it.  i accept it.  but as mr lewis so generously points out - to have the high, one must have the low, for the low is as important as the high, for without one there would be not the other. 

friday

it's amazing how a little sunshine on an otherwise cold morning can lift your spirits.  i sat outside this morning, having a cigarette, (a 'lover' i pray God will totally demolish before my eyes as He has, other 'lovers', who have sought to come between me and Him) and reading the last chapter of 'the four loves' by c.s.lewis.  his writing resonates in me.


resonates: produce or be filled with a deep, full, reverberating sound.


i include the definition of resonate to fully explain how lost i am to everything else while i am reading his words.  it is only while taking a break, to make a coffee or to let the cat in or out, that i notice the silence of my home.  i have been in conversation with this man and myself and my God, as c.s.lewis himself tends to do while writing.  it seems almost glorious.


as i sat outside enjoying a little sunshine on an otherwise cold morning, smoking a cigarette and absorbing the last of 'the four loves', a bee flew out of the air and 'plonked' dab into the centre of the ashtray. it fell 'plonk' out of the air.  just fell.  plonk.  a honey bee.  absolutely amused me.  i saw that his wee legs were laden, totally laden with pollen.  large dots of yellow pollen that almost swamped the poor honey bee.  i realised aha...the plonk.  with shake of his legs and a minute of respite he was off to continue his journey home. 


the lessons of the birds and the bees are never lost on me.


'the four loves' unties my tangled mess of longing for lost love, of God, of love, of God's love, i sense the Holy Spirit and His personal reworking of half-truths and semi-truths and the dismantling of me and thoughts i have held as holy.  i see the burden of what i have believed, or held to be true, is false and the carrying of such for so long has landed me plonk, in the centre of an ashtray.

thursday

i have another cold.


i was thinking yesterday about how mind and heart seem to travel different roads.  my thoughts (my mind) tend to travel toward the desire for understanding in ways that will comfort me.  my heart tends more to travel toward the desire for understanding in ways that will comfort others.


i realised that the two do collide.  it is when they do, that i feel at my most alive and at my most of service. i have done what He has called me to do.


each morning of late, i have reminded myself, that this day i am of service to Him and as yet i haven't felt His call.  i have gone about my business of tending to things asked of me daily in the most trivial of ways, but service nonetheless; making the bed, feeding the cat, tidying the kitchen, putting the rubbish out, with the expectation that at any moment He might call me to service of delivering His love to another.  His silence upsets me and has me in tears.  i consider i am an unworthy servant.  


i remind myself that trivial service is still service and continue on my way.  my mind has found me comfort.  i take a trolley back to the trolley bay for a lady at the supermarket.  i am closer to it than she. this is an act of kindness.


at the waipuna hospice shop, i give a lady who has no money, a dollar, to buy an earring which, her son, she says, will make into a brooch.  as she walked out of the shop, i realise i have seen her heart.  i will never know why He expressed His love to her this way.  i know not to ask.  this was an act of kindness. to me.  


to be of service to Him is difficult when He is the master and i am unaware of what He is doing.  my mind seeks to comfort me.  my heart seeks to comfort others.  


it is today as i write in my diary that i realise that it is Him that connects the two and a miracle has been performed. 


i relish the joy of being a part of His service, but as with any occupation, there is much for me to learn and much more for me to unlearn.  i must learn to mind my business and to be of service to Him, i am learning He will make me do just that. 


so the day is cold and i am not overjoyed to have a cold again.  outside it all speaks of the coming of spring and the end of winter.  i have the works of c.s. lewis keeping me company.
i have much to learn.  

   

wednesday

morning


this day began very early, even for an early bird like me.  i'm not sure what kept me awake when i opened my eyes at four o'clock this morning.  usually i will search my mind and my heart and find someone there. a message from God, that a prayer is needed, forgiveness is needed or preparations are needed as He is about to send me to give a miracle. nothing.  


the cat wanted in.  usually, when it's bedtime for me, it's bed time for fluffy.  last night, she wanted out. maybe my tears were getting on her nerves.  oh well. i know there are more to come.


it was so eerie when i sat outside after making my coffee, as i do.  thick fog hung between earth and heaven.  not touching the ground.  not touching the sky.  i could see under it.  i could see over it.  but i couldn't see through it.  street lights broke through in tiny whispers, so faint i could hardly hear.  a heron called off in the distance.  i just sat there.  it was almost too rude to breathe.  


it's times like this you listen to your heart.  i know God is speaking.  but i don't know what He's saying.  i don't think He woke me up for this.  but maybe He did.  He always has great things on His mind.  is that where i am?  between heaven and earth?  is there too much fog for me to see clearly? but lights whisper through.  am i really on His mind and in His heart but i have fog to clear before i see Him clearly?

monday

today i started my blog the Lord's servant 
this is my diary


i like to sit outside in the mornings and just look and listen. it speaks to me.  something always grabs my attention and tells me of Him. this morning it was 5 ducks flying above my home, heading north. one was calling. that's the only way i can describe his voice.  calling.  maybe calling the way. maybe calling encouragement.  maybe just calling in delight. i don't know. but his was the only voice.  amazing.  it just spoke to me.


later, when i was sad i returned outside to sit.  as i do.  and a tui arrived on the kowhai tree in my backyard.  her song was so beautiful.  and as she sang, another arrived. and i wanted to record them.  but there were no flowers on the tree yet.  so they left.


i think about that.  i thought of the fig tree when jesus was hungry.  
i have offered myself as His servant again, hence my blog, because i have been of service
to Him a lot in my life, mostly not fully aware of what being His servant really meant...
but now that i do understand what He asks of me... the tui and the tree speaks to me
of Him... 


in the evening i cried great big fat tears.  i felt like He didn't love me.  that i wasn't worthy to
be His servant.  that i wasn't worthy of His miracles.  i don't know why He doesn't send someone to comfort me.  i know He has sent me.  plenty of times.  but i knew i was missing out on His miracles.  and i don't know why.  sometimes i just can't talk myself out of my tears.
i want to, but it's hard work.  and i know Him.  well, i think i do.  He has sent me many times.
to hold a hand.  to give.  to show His love, His deep personal love.  asking me to give things i haven't even a clue why.  but He does, and the recipient does.  He's so awesome like that.  
i think people are scared.  i think maybe He asks and there aren't any flowers, so He flies away.  and we all miss out on His beauty.  


it's an awesome beauty.  let me tell you.  i stopped crying because i understand the need to
hear His call and obey and say, yes, i will go. i will do it.  and not miss out on His miracle in that other heart.  i don't know if anyone else understands what i'm saying.  but that's okay, i suppose.  no one else has to understand.   as long as i hear His call when He needs a servant.


so now i see that 5 ducks and two tuis on a flowerless kowhai tree speak to me of Him.